Here But Nonexistant

Well it's another sleepless night for me and I had somethings running through my mind so why not put it on here. I love to read and sometimes it's easier for me to get lost in a story then live in reality. I have so many dreams that I know won't come true because I'm either to scared to try or I don't think I'm good enough. Sometime in my past people put so much doubt inside of me about who I am that I got confused and lost and I can't find my way back to me. So I live inside the stories I read. I laugh, cry, get angry, yell, look in disbelief like someone is actually paying attention to what I am trying to convey lol. I remember when I was a little girl I was always realistic about what I was gonna be when I grew up. I had secret dreams but somewhere deep inside of myself I knew I wouldn't have the courage to strive towards them. It makes me sad that I let other people define me. The most common definition is wierd or goofy or different. I don't know what in my personality makes me so much different than anyone else. I am just me, a person with hopes and aspirations. So what is the point of my ramblings? I want to be free! I feel like my past and what people perceive of me is holding me down in my own prison and I can't dig under the bars and escape. I want to run away from my life. Is that even possible? I wish it were. Sometimes I think about going somewhere where no one knows me and just living not contacting anyone just disappearing. But that would be selfish wouldn't it. I have a nephew that still has to hear from his much loved tete. I have a brother that sometimes needs advice and love from a big sister who understands and doesn't judge him. My parents still need to hear from their only daughter to make sure she is still alive. But in my heart I know I am not living, I merely exist. Isn't that the saddest thing to take up space in a world and just be.

Just this Moment

I usually write my poetry on here because face it no one really cares what you are thinking or how you feel at the moment but I will put my thoughts on here anyway because I dont think anyone reads my blog anyway. I mean who am I, no one important of course. Anyway so I'm up late, another sleepless night and my thoughts, as always start to plague me. I just lost my Aunt to cancer yesterday and she is my second Auntie to pass in a 2 year period. My cousin tells me we are at the age when we are going to start loosing people. I dont know how to take that exactly. I dont think we live forever I mean I have no misconception of what the future holds for all humans, I just started thinking about MY life. The big picture is I am alone. I'll be 30 in March and most of my classmates have children or are married. I start to think maybe I should lower my standards. I mean lets face it I'm no beauty queen. I may be cute to some at my best. I never wanted anyone perfect. I am smart enough to know that doesn't exist. I just wanted someone with some common sense which seems to be at an all time low at the moment. So what should I settle for. Someone I am not physicallly attracted to in anyway. Race has never been a factor for me because I wasn't raised that way. Other races are not drawn to me however so thats not even an option. Then I wanted someone smart. His IQ doesnt have to surpass Einstein because I dont even have great grammar. I cant spell worth crap....thats why spell check is my best friend. I just want someone who can hold my interest with their conversation. I found that at one time with Jalil but I let him go because he had some anger issues that could have eventually been a problem. I am overly sensative. I wanted someone who loves music as much as I love music. It's so funny to me because the majority of the world is into music but I always seem to meet the guys that don't even listen to any music or they are so closed minded that they only listen to one type of music. I need someone who is more open minded than that because what does that say about your position on compromise. I have been told on occasion that I look to deeply into things but thats how my mind works it's not like I can just turn it off like a light switch. Then I wanted him to be taller than me. I realize I am a tall woman but there are so many tall men out there and of course I get the ones that are shorter than me that approach me. Thats all, when I look at what I want it seems reasonable to me. Apparently my standards leave me with nothing. So I guess now I have to find someone I think is ugly, has no taste in music, is dumb as a senator, and only wants to talk about his pets or past relationships. As long as he treats me right and doesn't hit me. Its so sad to me that thats what I can choose from. I honestly gave up a long time ago but its on those nights when I cant sleep, when I need someone to relieve the tension built up inside me, when I need someone to just rub my back to put my mind at ease and help me relax, when I need to just be gently kissed or touched etc, that I look at what I maybe could have done to make my past relationships work. Of course they have all moved on and had children and gotten married or something like that and then there is me. So what is it about me that doesnt work. That is so broken that I cant even look anyone in the eye anymore. I have gone back to walking with my head down. I know that I have always had this fear of letting someone get to close to me but I'm ready for something real. AM I? When I am ready will I have lost my chance to be with my soulmate. I thought at one point I had found him a friend what better person to be with but he decided he was gay. BOOM! Plus I wasnt his type either, male or female, lol he told me. So I am in this place in my life where I should be happy that I have life but I dont feel like I am living. I feel like I am taking up space from some person who has the will and purpose. I guess I say all of that to say I am tired of the sleepless nights alone. I wish I could find some kindred soul that takes me for who I am. This quirky, cute, sensable, smart, sometimes hyper, all the time laughing, music loving, jean wearing girl.