Addicted

I have this...problem, I can't tell anyone about it, I don't want to be judged but it is a problem you know. I itch when I don't have it.

Corrupts my brain, it does, day and night with this longing deep in my bones, its almost like an ache if I don't have it.

Want, want, want I try to resist this echo in my head that tells me to give in, to give up, to let go and just roll with the flow, but it is destroying me inside, it is eating me alive and I know in my heart I have to let go.

No one knows so I don't have anyone to ask for advice but I know its wrong to want something so badly but know that it can rip me apart at the same time.

If I had a choice I could probably let go of this unhealthy....desire I'll say, yea desire because I don't want to call it what it really is. I can let go if I really want to....
No that's not true I am just as much a slave to this want as anyone can be. If someone knew would I be judged.

I don't want to be that person that looses themselves to something that people like to call a disease. I really do want to let go but I am stuck.

I am stuck with this echo in my head, with this wanting in my chest, with this desire in my being, with this heat in my veins, with this ....well I will just call it what it is....Addiction.

Haiku's

My attention span is sick. I mean I think I have adult ADHD lol. With that being said I am in training at this new job and in the middle of reading I got this idea to just start writing Haiku's. Now keep in mind I haven't written a Haiku since high school and I forgot how it was done so I looked it up and believe my understanding has been renewed. Crazy and silly as it may seem it helped me get back on track at work and I was able to finish my lesson. I will go ahead and post them......now! :)

                                                                   Light Up My Life
                                                                 Sun shine on my life
                                                             Send your rays to pierce me
                                                                 I need to feel warmth.

                                                                  Wedding Day
                                                               As I stand by you
                                                        Before preacher and family
                                                              We are joined as one

                                                                        Training
                                                              Oh my gosh your lame
                                                        You should know this already
                                                           Don't make me shoot you.

                                                         Cluster Haiku's of Pain & Love
                                                                My pain is your pain
                                                          Showing how much I love you
                                                               Why cant you see it?
                                                             Always there for you
                                                        Never questioning your needs
                                                             My heart on my sleeve.
                                                                Giving you my all
                                                        I cant get the same from you
                                                                 That is so unfair
                                                              This love is the truth
                                                          Giving you the best of me
                                                             No one will do more.
                                                           Your eyes must be blind
                                                          I am showing you my soul
                                                            Begging for your love
                                                            One day you will see
                                                     Cause you will miss out on me
                                                              By then its too late.


                                                      

The Power of Music

Inspire me, send your positive energy flowing through my veins like blood thick as molasses. Give me freedom to reach for my dreams even when they seem so far away.


I want to be drifting on a melody where the sound is everlasting and the beat vibrates through my heart and soul and is delivered to the ends of my toes.


I want to be up in the sky listening to bird song, among the stars wishing for nothing more then to stay right were I am at that moment.


I have nothing else but this empty shell I need you to bring life back to me, I need you to send keys of life, i need you to give me purpose. I need you to make me smile when smiling seems impossible. I want to be free!


I can only wish for the shell to be filled, I can only wish for you to wash away the pain that has been rotting inside me for years I need you to fill this soul with love, love that is transcending my place in the stars.


I have never needed you as badly as I do now, now when it seems I have nothing to gain, when it seems like dreams are just that, dreams. When it seems that living in my imagination is better then waking up to reality. When I feel like I don't want to wake up for that reason alone.


I prayed and I cried, I cried and I prayed and still it seems that my heart is tilting like my grandmothers hat on Sunday morning. I have no more in me. Give to me....Life.

God Carried Me

One day while walking across the clouds I ran into God. I asked him "Lord what is my purpose in life?" I told him how I had been looking in the mirror for years trying to figure out why I exist. I jumped from cloud to cloud while explaining to him that " I am lost. It has been a long time since I was able to know exactly what road I wanted to take in this life." I let him know that writing has always been a way for me to set myself free from my daily confusion. I tried to leap into the sky further, I tried to reach for his hands but I always fell short. I tried to look up into his eyes with all of my questions and concerns but he was like the sun to bright to look upon. I kept reaching stretching up onto my tiptoes so that he could look at my mind. So that he could see the frustration I felt from not knowing who I am, where I was going and not being able to reach him so that I could have a clear answer. I felt him all around me, in the frustrated tears rolling down my cheek, in every leap I made towards his hands, in the long reach of my arms, and just when I felt he was going to answer all of the questions I ever had, I went deaf. I couldn't believe this would happen to me and I opened my mouth to yell as I fell to my knees. Slowly I began to float up, higher and higher, I felt Gods arms around me and as he held me close to him, my ears not able to hear, my feet not able to move I was carried over every cloud to my next destination. Every question I had  ever asked was answered in that moment as God carried me to my destiny.