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They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...that's a load of crap.

Because after you stop feeling like your heart has been ripped apart by a bear when that love leaves you, you are wishing you didn't love at all.

The love you felt cant even over shadow the pain you feel and after the pain is the emptiness and after the emptiness is resnetment and you cna guess where i am going with this

Love has the power to elicit some of the most prominent emotions from a person and when that love is distroyed those feelings of loss are all thats left.

I have been in this situation before and I wouldnt wish these type of feelings on my worst enemy...


Thats all I have so far. I dont know what else to say because I woke up in the middle of the night and all of the emotions in that poem made me jump out of my sleep. I cant describe what its like to have such feelings of loneliness and know that there is someone right beside you at all times. I know that God is watching me and I know that Jesus has my back but when your emotions come into play logic is no longer involved.

Who says movies cant make you feel?

I went to go see Why Did I Get Married this weekend and it was the best movie that I had seen in a long time. It made me cry, laugh, say " o no he didnt", and say thats what im talkin bout.lol I havent had a movie do that in a long time. It was really worth the money but then again what Tyler Perry movie or play isnt. I did however fall in love with the Troy character played by Lamman Rucker

(which is my new crush by the way). He really stole the show for me along with Jill Scott who I would have never thought of as an actress until i saw her in this role. Overall I would say if you have not seen this movie you must go see it I promise it is worth your $10.

I think he is the love of my life.

Today is a slow day here at work so I have allot of time on my hands right now. I have this friend that has been there since I was 12 but I really don't know what to do about him. I used to be in love with him I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread but I know I'm not where I need to be in my life and I know that he is struggling and everyday I question my real feelings for him. On one hand when I talk to him I remember why I love him. He is funny and laid back and easy to talk to when he doesn't want to argue. On the other hand he has so many issues and he complains allot about his family and the hand he was dealt in life instead of living his life and doing something about it or making changes. I admit I am his friend as well as I am there for him when he needs someone to talk to because he is having such a hard time dealing with things but then sometimes I just want to say "everyone has problems, deal with it, don't complain do something about!" But how can I say that to him when I don't even follow my own advice. I want something different, I want to be better and I want to make a change in my life to do something my parents can be proud of me for. But I don't know where to start. I feel so hopeless sometimes like I cant move from this stand still place that I am in. Its almost like if I die my family will miss me but no one will know who I am. Do I really want people to know me like that though? as someone who never made a difference. What changes could I possibly make that are positive for other people rather than myself. Sometimes I want to be selfish in my dreams but I know that if I was this great person who had all of this money then I would make sure my family and friends are taken care of. But back to this man that I'm not sure if I love or not. He can be a great person. He listens to me when I feel like whining which isn't much. He is there when I am upset and although he has a girl living with him sometimes I get the feeling he would rather have me there. He has never said how he feels for me he always says I'm his homegirl so I guess that's how he feels but then he doesn't talk to me like a homeboy. We have intimate conversations at times and sometimes I get mixed signals from him. I look at it like this though if he doesn't tell me how he feels then I will just leave it at being his homegirl. But if I do that what if we are supposed to have a future together. Am I waisting time waiting for him to come to me and then he finds someone else then what. I don't know what to do. So for now I wont say anything but if it is the case and we are supposed to be together I will be really disappointed that we didn't make that move sooner. But then again everything happens for a reason and maybe it's just not him or the time.

What can I do?

So I am different then most people. Sometimes I do random things like say the first thing that comes to the top of my head or something really silly in public or at work and some people laugh. Then there are those people that always have something to say. Maybe it's because they don't understand a person like me. Maybe its because they don't agree with some of the things that I say. I don't know. I am not here to make other people happy but sometimes i cant help but feeling like i have 2 heads or something because of the way people look at me. I am not going to change because i have been like this my whole life and it fits me. I am different and unique and I wont be defined as a type of person by anyone. But I do feel left out sometimes and I really wish that people could except me for who i am. I used to be that girl that had low self esteem because I had no friends but then as I got older I found that it takes a very good and loving individual to deal with me and that's OK. Because as long as I don't have to many friends I will never have to wonder who my real friends are. This song says exactly how I feel right now.