My Christmas Carol to my Nephew

Every once in a while I will hear a song that will inspire me or remind me of someone or take me back in time to a memory that makes me smile or makes me cry. Needless to say music is a huge part of who I am. I was listening to this song by India Arie. Although it is written for the special man in her life when I really listened to the words I thought it could be for any man or boy that you love very much if it fits their personality. The one I love like in the song is my nephew Isiah. Here are the words to the song Complicated Melody:

If he were a color

He'd be a deep dark forest green

If he were a car

He'd be a long stretch limousine

With room for all of humanity inside

Cause he is so giving

And he is so wise

If he were a number

He'd be a five cause he has such a brilliant mind

If were an animal

He'd be an ass cause he's so stubborn sometimes

But if he were a song He'd be a complicated melody

That complicated fellow he

I almost can not sing it on key

But he means the world to me

If he were a building He'd be a beautiful cathedral

Cause he's so traditionally spiritual

If he were a dance

He'd be complicated like the tango

Exotic like a mango

But if here a song He'd be a complicated melody

That complicated fellow he

I almost can not sing it on key

But he means the world me

He ain't the reason for the sun and the moon

He is the reason for this here tune

Cause he means the world to me (ooh ooh)

Said he means the world to me

Me me me yeah

He means the world to me yeah

Complicated melody that complicated fellow he

He's a complicated melody

I almost can not sing it on key

I love you Izy Bear

Lord help me!

I can hear my heart crying out to the lord to save me from the ignorance that people bring into my life with unnecessary drama.

Hurt, depression, sadness, God never told me that living for him could be so hard but they didn't like Jesus, Gods only son, what makes me think they will

like me.

Here I am, loving God, hating life, wishing that I could live someone else's life and leave mine, I'm not happy with me anymore.

So I write because this is how I free myself from the day to day pain and to let that load fall off my shoulders with each word I write.

Can someone help me understand how sentences from lips can break a heart so slowly till there is no heart left or its hard as rocks and there is no more feeling in my soul.

I am empty and devoid of all reason and i am left with only hate and that's what the devil wants and with this struggle i cant give him the victory.

I want God to have the victory in my life i want to cry out you cant win like MJ in The Wiz till my lungs and vocal cords are sore from constant exertion of emotions.

My prayer will be, when i have the strength to say what I want from God, Lord please give me the strength to not care what anyone says about me, to me, around me.

Show me that the only thing that matters is what you think of me and my walk with you and provide me with the guidance to know when to fight for my sanity and when to let go.

I would end that prayer with a Hallelujah and Amen, praise God and thanks again.

I will be OK despite all of my pain and heartache as long as he stays by my side.

Dangerously Beautiful

I just seen a woman that was so beautiful she could promote envy or lust in the most confidant and straight woman.
Not an average beauty, but above all else, with a short hair cut and a walk that will make you do a double take.
I seen her twice and both times I was star struck because surely she must be famous for just her looks along.
This woman with her below average height and well put figure, big brown eyes and caramel skin makes me wish I had worked harder to be beautiful.
Me with my below average looks and badly put figure, green eyes and honey skin could never measure up on a good day.
I just had to tell you because if you see her then my warning will help you get through that encounter.
Lady temptation will bite you in the ass if you don't watch her and I heard street cats lay claim to her and not make it out alive so if you step to her you don't value your life.
Can I hip you to something you may not know? A woman that beautiful can only be trouble and again I just want to issue a waring.
I do fear for your vitals.

Anymore

I don't have the strength to love you anymore.

I have spent 3 years hoping you would look my way but you never have and I give up.

Crazy thing this love is I pictured everything from our wedding day to our children, How they would look like you and me, and you don't even notice me.

When I felt joy in my heart you were on my mind and I couldn't stop thinking about how you make me feel.

Maybe it would have been easier if you were mine and the fantasy wasn't so real or close to me.

Watching you, smelling you, feeling you, wanting you, dreaming of you, loving you, wishing for you, praying for you, needing you, all of the feelings running through me at once.

I think that was my problem I spent so much energy on these feelings for you till I gave all that I had, Now I can't even give to myself

I don't have the strength to love you anymore.

And when I try to let this obsession go because I know it's no good for me I freeze from the hope of thinking maybe one day you will see me.

I really want you to care but I don't even know how to talk to you or what to say to you to convey what I feel, why I feel.

Tired of you looking past me, sad that I haven't caught your eye, stupid because I haven't given up until now.

Three long years of all of these emotions drowning me in an endless sea of sorrow, dealing with it without results.

But now I just don't have the strength to love you anymore.