Addicted

I have this...problem, I can't tell anyone about it, I don't want to be judged but it is a problem you know. I itch when I don't have it.

Corrupts my brain, it does, day and night with this longing deep in my bones, its almost like an ache if I don't have it.

Want, want, want I try to resist this echo in my head that tells me to give in, to give up, to let go and just roll with the flow, but it is destroying me inside, it is eating me alive and I know in my heart I have to let go.

No one knows so I don't have anyone to ask for advice but I know its wrong to want something so badly but know that it can rip me apart at the same time.

If I had a choice I could probably let go of this unhealthy....desire I'll say, yea desire because I don't want to call it what it really is. I can let go if I really want to....
No that's not true I am just as much a slave to this want as anyone can be. If someone knew would I be judged.

I don't want to be that person that looses themselves to something that people like to call a disease. I really do want to let go but I am stuck.

I am stuck with this echo in my head, with this wanting in my chest, with this desire in my being, with this heat in my veins, with this ....well I will just call it what it is....Addiction.

Haiku's

My attention span is sick. I mean I think I have adult ADHD lol. With that being said I am in training at this new job and in the middle of reading I got this idea to just start writing Haiku's. Now keep in mind I haven't written a Haiku since high school and I forgot how it was done so I looked it up and believe my understanding has been renewed. Crazy and silly as it may seem it helped me get back on track at work and I was able to finish my lesson. I will go ahead and post them......now! :)

                                                                   Light Up My Life
                                                                 Sun shine on my life
                                                             Send your rays to pierce me
                                                                 I need to feel warmth.

                                                                  Wedding Day
                                                               As I stand by you
                                                        Before preacher and family
                                                              We are joined as one

                                                                        Training
                                                              Oh my gosh your lame
                                                        You should know this already
                                                           Don't make me shoot you.

                                                         Cluster Haiku's of Pain & Love
                                                                My pain is your pain
                                                          Showing how much I love you
                                                               Why cant you see it?
                                                             Always there for you
                                                        Never questioning your needs
                                                             My heart on my sleeve.
                                                                Giving you my all
                                                        I cant get the same from you
                                                                 That is so unfair
                                                              This love is the truth
                                                          Giving you the best of me
                                                             No one will do more.
                                                           Your eyes must be blind
                                                          I am showing you my soul
                                                            Begging for your love
                                                            One day you will see
                                                     Cause you will miss out on me
                                                              By then its too late.


                                                      

The Power of Music

Inspire me, send your positive energy flowing through my veins like blood thick as molasses. Give me freedom to reach for my dreams even when they seem so far away.


I want to be drifting on a melody where the sound is everlasting and the beat vibrates through my heart and soul and is delivered to the ends of my toes.


I want to be up in the sky listening to bird song, among the stars wishing for nothing more then to stay right were I am at that moment.


I have nothing else but this empty shell I need you to bring life back to me, I need you to send keys of life, i need you to give me purpose. I need you to make me smile when smiling seems impossible. I want to be free!


I can only wish for the shell to be filled, I can only wish for you to wash away the pain that has been rotting inside me for years I need you to fill this soul with love, love that is transcending my place in the stars.


I have never needed you as badly as I do now, now when it seems I have nothing to gain, when it seems like dreams are just that, dreams. When it seems that living in my imagination is better then waking up to reality. When I feel like I don't want to wake up for that reason alone.


I prayed and I cried, I cried and I prayed and still it seems that my heart is tilting like my grandmothers hat on Sunday morning. I have no more in me. Give to me....Life.

God Carried Me

One day while walking across the clouds I ran into God. I asked him "Lord what is my purpose in life?" I told him how I had been looking in the mirror for years trying to figure out why I exist. I jumped from cloud to cloud while explaining to him that " I am lost. It has been a long time since I was able to know exactly what road I wanted to take in this life." I let him know that writing has always been a way for me to set myself free from my daily confusion. I tried to leap into the sky further, I tried to reach for his hands but I always fell short. I tried to look up into his eyes with all of my questions and concerns but he was like the sun to bright to look upon. I kept reaching stretching up onto my tiptoes so that he could look at my mind. So that he could see the frustration I felt from not knowing who I am, where I was going and not being able to reach him so that I could have a clear answer. I felt him all around me, in the frustrated tears rolling down my cheek, in every leap I made towards his hands, in the long reach of my arms, and just when I felt he was going to answer all of the questions I ever had, I went deaf. I couldn't believe this would happen to me and I opened my mouth to yell as I fell to my knees. Slowly I began to float up, higher and higher, I felt Gods arms around me and as he held me close to him, my ears not able to hear, my feet not able to move I was carried over every cloud to my next destination. Every question I had  ever asked was answered in that moment as God carried me to my destiny.

Bookstores

So I was at Barnes and Nobles the other day because of course I love to read and buying books is my hobby. I usually get my books from Borders but I don't live close to one anymore. I am all into romance novels and erotica but I decided I wanted to read something different this time. I went into the African American section and wow! there were a total of 2 shelves with books by African American authors. I'm usually oblivious when it comes to racism. I'm not saying that this particular bookstore is all about racism but why should I have to go to a special store to find books by African American authors. I would think with a store as big as Barnes and Nobles there would be more of a variety. I mean this store was huge with a coffee shop and everything. So why would this section of the store be sooooo small. There are so many authors of African descent I would expect so much more. We have been main stream since the 18th century with authors like Phillis Wheatley and Olaudah Equiano. And then there is the Harlem Renaissance which was the high point that pulled our authors to the fore front. So why would we only be granted such a small section of a book store or a library where books are a part of the industry. I am not about making such a bold statement. I, more times than I should, look past such obvious discrimination but this just boggled my mind. I see so many other things in this store like coffee, toys, a TV, games and I think with all of this extra space why can't this section be bigger?

Invisible

I'm invisible I have always known it. Its like I can pass through a jam packed stadium without being noticed. Maybe I should be a spy or a thief. So inconspicuous am I that people never stop to speak or say excuse me.

If I pulled your hair out would you notice me then, or just bump into me again like I'm a statue with out movement in my limbs. What if I cut my hair and pierced my nose would that make me more noticeable.

I never wanted to be in the spotlight, never wanted to be known for being famous, always wanted to be great but in a silent kind of way. But it's like I don't exist, I'm on a plain of earth all my own. No one can see me no one can hear me. I'm just here.

Does that make me the best possible robber or a very sad human being. Why doesn't anyone see me. Why cant anyone hear me. I am speaking out the only way I know how.

Maybe somewhere along this road called life I have lost my self worth. Wouldn't people want to pray on that instead of ignore it. No, I know I'm to strong to let people take advantage of me that way;

Maybe they see the pain, the hurt, maybe they see my soul reform to dirt. Maybe they see my eyes empty of life or maybe I'm am one of those lucky human beings that goes through life drama free and alone.

Why doesn't anyone see me, Why doesn't anyone hear me, I'm crying out but there is no sound. No one can feel me they think that I just speak to say nothing. If its not relevant to you I guess it doesn't matter. What if I said I'm done.....

No I wouldn't want to leave you with the guilt of knowing that you never said you hear me. I wouldn't want my pain to live in your heart. I wouldn't want you to feel responsible for my soul. I wouldn't feel responsible for yours.

Well I guess I will have to continue, I guess I will just have to be on this earth unknown, speechless and alone.

Cirmustance

I did it again. I stopped myself from smiling unconsciously.Subconsciously I have this fear that if I smile to much or if I'm to happy something bad will happen. I have been through it before. It's like this ghost of pain haunting me telling me in my ear softly that it's going to take my joy away and there is nothing I can do to change the outcome. It was something I noticed one day when things were going terribly wrong. I realized I had been smiling a lot. I had this constant joy in my heart and then BAM! My grandfather dies, something so painful that it took my family some time to get through it. I was working two jobs at one point in my life and going to school. It was hard work but I felt like I had a purpose, I felt like something was going to happen that would bring my life to this great height, then I loose both of my jobs and have to move. I don't believe in making excuses because all they do is give you a reason not to try so I will just say I gave up. In my heart I guess I gave up on life a long time ago. Now I have this gray, dark gray, storm cloud that follows me. I have isolated showers which means that it rains only on me when the sun is shining to brightly. I found myself smiling today. I felt good because life is moving along nicely but I cant help but have this dread in the pit of my stomach that sadness will follow me and that smile will be taken away from me again. People say don't let things and situations steal your joy but when you fall flat on your face, when your heart feels like its been ripped from your chest, when you lose your reason for living, when you don't feel like you have a purpose, when you feel like people who die have so much more value than yourself, when you see the ones around you struggle and know you cant do anything about it, when you subconsciously lose your smile because you know a storm is coming would you be able to keep your joy?

Surrender to Love

Starlight star bright be with me tonight as I wait for love to come my way. You see I have denied myself that one happiness for many years thinking I can be complete without it. I was so wrong star, I have fallen from grace and I now see that without love I am nothing.

I have been incomplete for so long that I thought my life was the way that it was supposed to be. A guard around my heart is the main culprit star. The beats couldn't be heard over my screams for peace in my yells and cries for fulfillment.

Star I give up this false pretense of thinking that I can live alone in a world where you are nothing if your not sharing yourself. Giving another human bits and peaces of your soul alluding the emptiness that is usually prevalent in my everyday life.

Although I'm sure your my ally star, time is not my friend and maybe death is going to end the pain that I feel everyday I wake up alone. Every time I see another kissed and feel as if my lips are aching with neglect. Every time I see another being hugged or caressed and my body feels how long its been since someone touched me as if they really cared.

Lost almost non existent star has been my walk through life, but now I'm speaking out because holding it in is choking the life from me. I am slowly losing my place in a world full of women who could easily fulfill my purpose. Tell me what I need to do star. Shine a light on the path that I need to take in this life

Spread yourself across the night sky to let me know that there is hope for me. That my life is going in the direction that its supposed to and that I haven't missed a step, I haven't missed a link in the chain that is my destiny.

If I don't make it through tomorrow star tell my story, Say that I never gave up hope that one day I would be with the one person that was to complete my soul, that was to add to what I already have. I never doubted that it was my purpose to find what was meant for me.

Writers Block

I have writers block. Man that is the worst thing in the world when you have something to say but it wont come out in coherent ways. I mean I can't even think of what to put in my diary. Yes I still keep a diary. I would probably be deemed clinically insane if I didn't. I am awake most nights and I just play games on facebook. I'm not an addict, I swear. I just can't find anything else to do. I have to get up at 5 am tomorrow and I will probably still be awake at 3am. That is some Fraganaklebull. Look it up! I sometimes even go on YouTube and see if there are some new videos I can check out. Surprise its the same ol but what can you do. Anyway I guess since I don't have anything relevant to say I will just stop now, but for anyone who actually reads this thing as soon as my writers block disappears I will have new work up here.

Here But Nonexistant

Well it's another sleepless night for me and I had somethings running through my mind so why not put it on here. I love to read and sometimes it's easier for me to get lost in a story then live in reality. I have so many dreams that I know won't come true because I'm either to scared to try or I don't think I'm good enough. Sometime in my past people put so much doubt inside of me about who I am that I got confused and lost and I can't find my way back to me. So I live inside the stories I read. I laugh, cry, get angry, yell, look in disbelief like someone is actually paying attention to what I am trying to convey lol. I remember when I was a little girl I was always realistic about what I was gonna be when I grew up. I had secret dreams but somewhere deep inside of myself I knew I wouldn't have the courage to strive towards them. It makes me sad that I let other people define me. The most common definition is wierd or goofy or different. I don't know what in my personality makes me so much different than anyone else. I am just me, a person with hopes and aspirations. So what is the point of my ramblings? I want to be free! I feel like my past and what people perceive of me is holding me down in my own prison and I can't dig under the bars and escape. I want to run away from my life. Is that even possible? I wish it were. Sometimes I think about going somewhere where no one knows me and just living not contacting anyone just disappearing. But that would be selfish wouldn't it. I have a nephew that still has to hear from his much loved tete. I have a brother that sometimes needs advice and love from a big sister who understands and doesn't judge him. My parents still need to hear from their only daughter to make sure she is still alive. But in my heart I know I am not living, I merely exist. Isn't that the saddest thing to take up space in a world and just be.

Just this Moment

I usually write my poetry on here because face it no one really cares what you are thinking or how you feel at the moment but I will put my thoughts on here anyway because I dont think anyone reads my blog anyway. I mean who am I, no one important of course. Anyway so I'm up late, another sleepless night and my thoughts, as always start to plague me. I just lost my Aunt to cancer yesterday and she is my second Auntie to pass in a 2 year period. My cousin tells me we are at the age when we are going to start loosing people. I dont know how to take that exactly. I dont think we live forever I mean I have no misconception of what the future holds for all humans, I just started thinking about MY life. The big picture is I am alone. I'll be 30 in March and most of my classmates have children or are married. I start to think maybe I should lower my standards. I mean lets face it I'm no beauty queen. I may be cute to some at my best. I never wanted anyone perfect. I am smart enough to know that doesn't exist. I just wanted someone with some common sense which seems to be at an all time low at the moment. So what should I settle for. Someone I am not physicallly attracted to in anyway. Race has never been a factor for me because I wasn't raised that way. Other races are not drawn to me however so thats not even an option. Then I wanted someone smart. His IQ doesnt have to surpass Einstein because I dont even have great grammar. I cant spell worth crap....thats why spell check is my best friend. I just want someone who can hold my interest with their conversation. I found that at one time with Jalil but I let him go because he had some anger issues that could have eventually been a problem. I am overly sensative. I wanted someone who loves music as much as I love music. It's so funny to me because the majority of the world is into music but I always seem to meet the guys that don't even listen to any music or they are so closed minded that they only listen to one type of music. I need someone who is more open minded than that because what does that say about your position on compromise. I have been told on occasion that I look to deeply into things but thats how my mind works it's not like I can just turn it off like a light switch. Then I wanted him to be taller than me. I realize I am a tall woman but there are so many tall men out there and of course I get the ones that are shorter than me that approach me. Thats all, when I look at what I want it seems reasonable to me. Apparently my standards leave me with nothing. So I guess now I have to find someone I think is ugly, has no taste in music, is dumb as a senator, and only wants to talk about his pets or past relationships. As long as he treats me right and doesn't hit me. Its so sad to me that thats what I can choose from. I honestly gave up a long time ago but its on those nights when I cant sleep, when I need someone to relieve the tension built up inside me, when I need someone to just rub my back to put my mind at ease and help me relax, when I need to just be gently kissed or touched etc, that I look at what I maybe could have done to make my past relationships work. Of course they have all moved on and had children and gotten married or something like that and then there is me. So what is it about me that doesnt work. That is so broken that I cant even look anyone in the eye anymore. I have gone back to walking with my head down. I know that I have always had this fear of letting someone get to close to me but I'm ready for something real. AM I? When I am ready will I have lost my chance to be with my soulmate. I thought at one point I had found him a friend what better person to be with but he decided he was gay. BOOM! Plus I wasnt his type either, male or female, lol he told me. So I am in this place in my life where I should be happy that I have life but I dont feel like I am living. I feel like I am taking up space from some person who has the will and purpose. I guess I say all of that to say I am tired of the sleepless nights alone. I wish I could find some kindred soul that takes me for who I am. This quirky, cute, sensable, smart, sometimes hyper, all the time laughing, music loving, jean wearing girl.

Nightmare

I saw him from afar, one glimpse thinking he was a figment of my imagination. I couldn't believe my eyes, he stood strong and tall with the promise of forever in his eyes.

I thought it was a trick of light when he looked across the room and smiled at me, my heart melted to the floor in puddles around my feet.

Eyes of gold, skin of caramel, smile of light and walk of lust he was everything from my dreams, he was everything from any woman's dream and he walked to me.

I stopped breathing, who needs air when God was bringing heaven on feet my way, I didn't even want to blink for fear that he might disappear.

Steady walking towards me, still smiling, in my head I'm thinking of something witty to say something that will capture and keep his attention.

I just wanted his light to shine on me and I wanted to be the star in his show, the main actress that out shined any other actress he may have thought of giving the staring role to.

I am thinking, and watching him walk and loving his smile and swimming in the depth of his eyes and slowly I answer his smile with a smile of my own I want to walk towards him but I stay put.

As he nears where I am standing I notice that his eyes are not focused, what could that mean is he having second thoughts about talking to me.

I have even thought of something to say like hello my name is, no that's not what I had in mind, it was more like you light up my life will you marry me, that sounds about right

Then I hear hello, but not from the future father of my children, from a voice a lot like mine and as I turn to look behind me he answers with a hello of his own.

It clicks all at once, the casting of shadows, the slip of my smile, and as they embrace I pick up my heart and walk away.

Painful Escape

Love is blind, yea that's what she said, love is blind and despite the fact that she knew this she still stayed.


Hungry some nights, bleeding and desolate she still stayed


Through the false "I love you's" and the painful hello's she still stayed.


Bloody noses caused by hands not of love, hospital stays just to get away for a day or two and yet...


One day on a blue train going to no where I'll get away, she says, away from bruising hands and bitter words, I'll escape.


No chance, it's not possible because now her belly grows with his seed, she's trapped.


"Can't get out now." she says what about baby he matters more than anything now, but with baby the pain subsides for a while.


He's here and beautiful, she cries, knowing that the break in pain is coming to an end and still she stays


Love volunteers to help her get away but fear has her trapped, fear and baby, so she declines.


There is no choice


He goes to far, bleeding, crying for help, there's no one but beautiful baby. Fear takes hold but she welcomes the end.


Baby screams, he screams, he cries, he cries, there is silence only her own.

Hush baby hush, mommy is gone now, she has gone at last the only way she knew how.

I am

This is where I'm at, two worlds within a world doubting my gifts and questioning myself.
I know who I am, don't know what I want, spent the majority of my time trying to please other people and not me.
Giving and hurting and loving more than I should but I know this is me, I'm real to who I am, still don't know what I want
So here I am, two worlds within one world, struggling to make since of this journey, left in a hollow shell with no goals, no forsight.
I don't love and I won't love, thats what I live with, and I want the freedom of just going through life accordingly.

But my soul is left empty, rotting in the dirt from B.C and growth stunted AC, here I am.
I want to love and not hurt, to breathe without my heart shuttering from the pain I always expected.
Pain that is always dealt in harsh blows till my ribs cave in and lungs fail, till I'm left on life support.
Now I'm tired because abuse has been the existance of me, throroughly, and I am left to cause distruction in my path.
I am who I am, ever changing, evolving or faultering, heart hurting soul left in tatters on the floor crying save me  save me because I know there is more.

Me singing

So I decided to play with my webcam graphics and ended up recording a song. I love music, anyone who knows me knows that its a big part of who I am. I have that weirdness and dramatic personality that almost every artist has lol. So since I have been vibing I decided to put this video up. If anyone decides to follow me feel free to leave a comment and tell me what you think.

Infinite Sex

Can you make me scream?

Do you know all there is to know?

What spots to hit.

What parts to kiss.

Can you imagine the thoughts evoked?

By the way you walk.

The way you talk.

Your hands on my hips.

Tongue in my lips.

Are you thinking fo me right now?

Did I make you drip?

Let my voice illicit.

You know you want it.

Talk to me.

Tell me your secrets.

I can show you things illegal in a bedroom in 50 states.

First kiss me.

Ill hold thee.

Rub hands down my spine.

Ill rub my hands down your.....

Use your imagination.

You can reach your heights.

Make me oooo.

Ill give you ahhhh.

Climbing walls.

Yelling calls.

I wish you were here to give me what I see.

Minds eye rigid.

With what I'm missing.

Making legs tremble.

Hands fumble.

With me, with myself, I feel you.

Higher and higher still.

Till the ceiling blurs.

Till fingers lock.

Throat closes.

Cream Spills.

Lets do this again, next time I want you to watch.

Lost Girl

(Ive been dreaming about this poem for some time and I'm sure its not finished but i felt like if i didn't put it down i would loose it. So here it is for anyone who actually pays attention....)

Lost girl walking slowly eyes traveling with your feet, why are sad eyes boring into pavement? Maybe hoping that it will eat you alive.

Sad girl with heart full of pain and tears full of lies you wont have to feel anymore, keep your dream world surrounding you until it becomes reality.

Why wont you live for you and not let others define you and break you into little pieces giving them the chance to define you.

You can make it lost girl, you can rise up until ashes become a fire for life again, until its easier to breath, until the hurt is a distant memory, rise!

Lost girl with no sense of your spirit, no clue what you are made of, break free of the chains that bind you, break free of the life that once held you, wounded and bleeding, the frustration of repeated history.

Carry forth the strength of your ancestors, let their light from heaven shine through you so that you might inspire your soul to rise.

Be who you want to be and not what they want you to be, take back the strength born inside since conception, tap into it, manifest it within life so that its not to much to move forward.

Lost girl where is your pride? Proud people don't walk with their heads down, they don't shed tears over transgressions committed by other humans with their false intentions.

Don't give you away to those who would make it simple for your eyes to follow your feet in shame of nothing that can't be fixed or forgiven.

Respect earned not given can't taint images of good intentions leaving hollow holes where love or friendship took root and grew to be diminished, disfigured.

Girl make dreams reality, make fear non existent, make tears a choice, make life worth living, make joy mandatory, make peace where there is none, make love and have fun, make the past a lost thought, make the future hopeful, make a friend everywhere you go, make your heart an objective, make your eyes touch the sky and give your feet a mind of their own.

My Thoughts

I can not believe that I have been writing on this blog for such a long time. I feel like it was yesterday when I started pouring my heart out so that other people can see into my head. Im not the most complicated person in the world just thought I was interesting. Lol guess not. But its ok, I will keep pouring my heart out and maybe someone will gain inspiration from what I say or maybe even get a little hot from the erotic thoughts "from pen to paper." One Luv

Lust

Pen to paper trying to release the pent up lust inside of me becaue the images haunting my mind are blocking my normal thought process.
Chocolate and male, he invades my thoughts, not a figment of my imagination but warm blooded built like an athlete, strong, he invades my senses.
The only way to get him out of my head is to put pen to paper and write out my fantasies, from multiple orgasms to gentle caresses he consumes me.
Even his voice which can penatrate my skin makes me wet and seeing him everyday doesnt make it easy, if he is not visable his presence is undeniable.
He doesnt even see me but if he could invision the thoughts and feelings running through me I would intrigue him, Im sure, make him wonder if the physical could out do the mental.
And still I think of him between my thighs and I anticipate what will never be, guess its my way of making it through the day, but it doesnt stop my legs from trembling with just a thought.
To bad he doesn't know....