Cirmustance

I did it again. I stopped myself from smiling unconsciously.Subconsciously I have this fear that if I smile to much or if I'm to happy something bad will happen. I have been through it before. It's like this ghost of pain haunting me telling me in my ear softly that it's going to take my joy away and there is nothing I can do to change the outcome. It was something I noticed one day when things were going terribly wrong. I realized I had been smiling a lot. I had this constant joy in my heart and then BAM! My grandfather dies, something so painful that it took my family some time to get through it. I was working two jobs at one point in my life and going to school. It was hard work but I felt like I had a purpose, I felt like something was going to happen that would bring my life to this great height, then I loose both of my jobs and have to move. I don't believe in making excuses because all they do is give you a reason not to try so I will just say I gave up. In my heart I guess I gave up on life a long time ago. Now I have this gray, dark gray, storm cloud that follows me. I have isolated showers which means that it rains only on me when the sun is shining to brightly. I found myself smiling today. I felt good because life is moving along nicely but I cant help but have this dread in the pit of my stomach that sadness will follow me and that smile will be taken away from me again. People say don't let things and situations steal your joy but when you fall flat on your face, when your heart feels like its been ripped from your chest, when you lose your reason for living, when you don't feel like you have a purpose, when you feel like people who die have so much more value than yourself, when you see the ones around you struggle and know you cant do anything about it, when you subconsciously lose your smile because you know a storm is coming would you be able to keep your joy?