Invisible

I'm invisible I have always known it. Its like I can pass through a jam packed stadium without being noticed. Maybe I should be a spy or a thief. So inconspicuous am I that people never stop to speak or say excuse me.

If I pulled your hair out would you notice me then, or just bump into me again like I'm a statue with out movement in my limbs. What if I cut my hair and pierced my nose would that make me more noticeable.

I never wanted to be in the spotlight, never wanted to be known for being famous, always wanted to be great but in a silent kind of way. But it's like I don't exist, I'm on a plain of earth all my own. No one can see me no one can hear me. I'm just here.

Does that make me the best possible robber or a very sad human being. Why doesn't anyone see me. Why cant anyone hear me. I am speaking out the only way I know how.

Maybe somewhere along this road called life I have lost my self worth. Wouldn't people want to pray on that instead of ignore it. No, I know I'm to strong to let people take advantage of me that way;

Maybe they see the pain, the hurt, maybe they see my soul reform to dirt. Maybe they see my eyes empty of life or maybe I'm am one of those lucky human beings that goes through life drama free and alone.

Why doesn't anyone see me, Why doesn't anyone hear me, I'm crying out but there is no sound. No one can feel me they think that I just speak to say nothing. If its not relevant to you I guess it doesn't matter. What if I said I'm done.....

No I wouldn't want to leave you with the guilt of knowing that you never said you hear me. I wouldn't want my pain to live in your heart. I wouldn't want you to feel responsible for my soul. I wouldn't feel responsible for yours.

Well I guess I will have to continue, I guess I will just have to be on this earth unknown, speechless and alone.

Cirmustance

I did it again. I stopped myself from smiling unconsciously.Subconsciously I have this fear that if I smile to much or if I'm to happy something bad will happen. I have been through it before. It's like this ghost of pain haunting me telling me in my ear softly that it's going to take my joy away and there is nothing I can do to change the outcome. It was something I noticed one day when things were going terribly wrong. I realized I had been smiling a lot. I had this constant joy in my heart and then BAM! My grandfather dies, something so painful that it took my family some time to get through it. I was working two jobs at one point in my life and going to school. It was hard work but I felt like I had a purpose, I felt like something was going to happen that would bring my life to this great height, then I loose both of my jobs and have to move. I don't believe in making excuses because all they do is give you a reason not to try so I will just say I gave up. In my heart I guess I gave up on life a long time ago. Now I have this gray, dark gray, storm cloud that follows me. I have isolated showers which means that it rains only on me when the sun is shining to brightly. I found myself smiling today. I felt good because life is moving along nicely but I cant help but have this dread in the pit of my stomach that sadness will follow me and that smile will be taken away from me again. People say don't let things and situations steal your joy but when you fall flat on your face, when your heart feels like its been ripped from your chest, when you lose your reason for living, when you don't feel like you have a purpose, when you feel like people who die have so much more value than yourself, when you see the ones around you struggle and know you cant do anything about it, when you subconsciously lose your smile because you know a storm is coming would you be able to keep your joy?

Surrender to Love

Starlight star bright be with me tonight as I wait for love to come my way. You see I have denied myself that one happiness for many years thinking I can be complete without it. I was so wrong star, I have fallen from grace and I now see that without love I am nothing.

I have been incomplete for so long that I thought my life was the way that it was supposed to be. A guard around my heart is the main culprit star. The beats couldn't be heard over my screams for peace in my yells and cries for fulfillment.

Star I give up this false pretense of thinking that I can live alone in a world where you are nothing if your not sharing yourself. Giving another human bits and peaces of your soul alluding the emptiness that is usually prevalent in my everyday life.

Although I'm sure your my ally star, time is not my friend and maybe death is going to end the pain that I feel everyday I wake up alone. Every time I see another kissed and feel as if my lips are aching with neglect. Every time I see another being hugged or caressed and my body feels how long its been since someone touched me as if they really cared.

Lost almost non existent star has been my walk through life, but now I'm speaking out because holding it in is choking the life from me. I am slowly losing my place in a world full of women who could easily fulfill my purpose. Tell me what I need to do star. Shine a light on the path that I need to take in this life

Spread yourself across the night sky to let me know that there is hope for me. That my life is going in the direction that its supposed to and that I haven't missed a step, I haven't missed a link in the chain that is my destiny.

If I don't make it through tomorrow star tell my story, Say that I never gave up hope that one day I would be with the one person that was to complete my soul, that was to add to what I already have. I never doubted that it was my purpose to find what was meant for me.

Writers Block

I have writers block. Man that is the worst thing in the world when you have something to say but it wont come out in coherent ways. I mean I can't even think of what to put in my diary. Yes I still keep a diary. I would probably be deemed clinically insane if I didn't. I am awake most nights and I just play games on facebook. I'm not an addict, I swear. I just can't find anything else to do. I have to get up at 5 am tomorrow and I will probably still be awake at 3am. That is some Fraganaklebull. Look it up! I sometimes even go on YouTube and see if there are some new videos I can check out. Surprise its the same ol but what can you do. Anyway I guess since I don't have anything relevant to say I will just stop now, but for anyone who actually reads this thing as soon as my writers block disappears I will have new work up here.