Epiphany of Death and Music

I died in 1994 when people wore colors as bright as the sun and the fashion statement of the year was a high top fade worn by men... and women.

My body lie broken on the floor bloodied, bruised and battered from the misconception that love still existed.

I was brought back to life by music, the sound of a boom kat resonated from my stereo and breathed new life into me as if the beat came from beyond the planes of the living.

I remember it as if it were yesterday because I thought my life was over. I couldn't feel not one heartbeat vibrating through my body where there used to be an recognizable boom bom boom bom. Instead there was silence..

But that horn just blared from my radio shooting melodies into the sky and I was free as a bird in the open sky trying to catch the wind.

I felt the vibration for the first time bringing a new soul to my body, you see that day music saved me, I was no longer my own.

I belonged to the beat, I breathed a melody, I hummed unrecognizable tunes and I memorized every lyric, cord and rhyme as if it were the life of me.

I could still feel that kick and a snare, like the warm breeze on a summers day, running through me trying to set my spirit free where it felt overwhelming pain.

And I cried... out tears of joy, no not tears, I cried out music notes like rain drops and they fell into my lap like hip hop and I felt soulful melodies playing on my lips, trying to make a sound.

I sang a note, I sang a song that came from the depths, the pit of me and it came forth as an epiphany and melted ice from around me and became the symphony.

Haha I died in 1994, and if it weren't for the radio, my stereo and the melody that came forth, I would still be lying on that floor, bloodied, broken and bruised with the misconception that love still existed.

In Time

In a world so filled with sadness and pain I find that I have been feeling sorry for myself and the problems that I am going through despite all that is going on around me in the world. I have never been a selfish person I dont feel I ever will be but right now that is what I am being. I started on a new poem that has something to do with those feeling but I couldnt finish it because I couldnt stop crying. I want to remember that even though I am feeling some pain its not half as bad as what most people are going through right now because I have a roof over my head and food to eat and even a car. Yet I have this extreme sadness inside me that everytime I start to say what I'm feeling the tears are there and I have to stop them because crying never did anyone any good. So I canceled my facebook and I canceled my twitter and I turned off my phone so that I can gain some perspective. I need to go to God with my pain but its been so long since we last talked things just dont feel the same. This is the one thing I will keep because realistically poetry keeps me from killing myself. It's my only outlet. So once I am able to finish my poem it will be here for the time being I will try to heal my soul and my heart somehow so that I can get back to being happy me. Ha its been so long since I seen her I forgot what she looks like but I figure eventually she will show up again. Right???

Freedom of Peace

I don't want to be here anymore because the pain is to much to bare and there is a barely controlled rage building within me threatening to shake the core of my being, like a 9.8 magnitude earthquake, shaking me so hard that my teeth rattle and I'm forced to clench my jaws tight enough to see bright stars dancing around my eyes.


Set me Free


He never loved me he only pretended that I meant something to him and at the end of the day when reality actually sets in I'm forced to feel the pain in my rib cage, using liquid courage to try and numb the ache deep inside like an itch that just cant be scratched, hurting only me down to the depth of despair I fall and crumble because if there is no love then what is there?


Set me free


Because I live in a world where tainted souls vie for your affection and attention so that the enemy can set up stones and blocks where your enemies can hurl hateful words that damage your soul causing hollow grooves in your heart like a thousand year old oak tree that has been subjected to constant abuse and misuse on a daily basis.


Set me free


Broken spirit, lost and confused but I am more than the light that has diminished in myself despite what has been told to me from generations of ancestors whose worth was only valued by how strong their backs were and what they could do for a penny on the corner, no sense of worth, I am the generation that fought to keep hope alive but buried deep in the earth of misfortune that has followed me around like an all consuming plague.


Set me free

How sickening and delusional to think this is what love is when minced words and double meanings are all that are relayed to my ears and the deafening sounds of daily heartbreak are making my ear drums bleed like a cut artery, let's be honest you never cared and you never will, now I can see through your false hopes and your lead me on words.

Set me free

I am not to be used as if I were some random toy from your 1980"s box of horrors in the corner waiting my turn to feel relevant in the life of the likes of you as if you can read the desperation in my eyes shining words like, pity me, I must need false love and fake words of praise and meaningless tokens of affection that were initially meant for the other who had the good sense to walk away.

Set me free

I have been a prisoner of my thoughts for too long, a slave of the most vivid imagination equipped with bright lights and scenes from throughout my life that should never be replayed, see all they do is remind me that I am among the dead souls that roam the earth, scaring me with the intense thoughts to just end it all and avoid everything that ever made me feel anything.

Set me free

We all burn into the heart of the world with greatness within and the strength to overcome any obstacle put before us but powers of persuasion can not convenience me that this is my destiny to be stoned as they did BC or to be hanged as they did AD when prayers fell from desperate lips as the gavel fell upon them with final minutes, so completely ending existence.

Set me free

Whips and chains have wrapped me so tightly bound as if duck tape has been pushed against lips of freedom, ringing in the ears of the souls lost in battle for a country that would not fight for them now or ever, as if their struggle to remain normal was nothing more than an obstacle that had to be overcome and I stand with this struggle as my own hoping for the slightest leniency in the bounds that have me gagged.

Set me free

You are not my keeper and I will not be told what to do as if I am some child that continues to need guidance into the early adult years, I am my own person with an opinion, with options, with rights, with speech, speaking that which is not into existence.

Set me free

I will not bargain with the devil, I will not give my soul for the chance to have my spirit free from all the pain and drama and suffering and bad thoughts and memories and turmoil that I have experienced but I will pray on my knees and kneel before the alter and send hope to my soul that one day these experiences will no longer threaten the life it belongs to.

Unwarranted broken dreams lie on the floor dead from pain caused by words of hurt and they just lay there like they don't see they have caused unwanted tears to drip down my heart like thick raindrops against a window pane.

But I am here and though I promised myself I would never fall again I have and how frustrating is that to make yourself a promise only to succumb to perceived charm from another and oh how that charm will get you and make you think things will be different than the last time because no two people are alike.

You only wake up from that dream, the broken dream on the floor, like someone took a bucket of glacier water and made you dip your whole body within until your blood is ice and your thoughts are numb.

There is nothing like a good and broken heart to remind you that even though no two people are alike their intentions are never good and one is only out to please themselves while you are left on your knees gasping for breathe and clutching your pearls as if that was the only life line you had left.

Its so much better to be isolated, to have nothing to hope for, nothing to believe in because if you don't you will never be disappointed when you find out just when you thought you had a hero they rip the mask off their face to reveal what you couldn't see before with your blinded heart.

Eventually you stop the tears and you stop the bleeding in your soul and you pick up that dream and you bury it under the core of the earth because even with the bleakest of rains and the sunniest of days you know that dream will never resurface to trick you into thinking you actually found what everyone in the world is looking for.

So the only consolation is never letting pain pierce what was once so solid in me and what was once trying to heal has been destroyed by lies and carelessness. I hope it makes them smile knowing that they caused that kind of pain because they never cared anyway.

Maybe their laughter will not haunt me at night when I lay awake looking at the lights gliding across my wall and the shadows dance across my floor and I count each drop that falls from my eyes as if the one before the last can save me from drowning in my misery and they laugh because they feel no pain.

I always thought that when I love you was spoken it would be followed with deeper actions the kind that leave you breathless waiting for more not hurtful words because there is more than one way to abuse a person with an already broken heart.

Then again maybe the pain from long ago still lingers and this is just reaffirmation that just because you think you are ready for something you are really not and never move backwards because you moved forward for a reason.

At the end of the day that dream that I never wanted still lays on the floor staring up at me like a teaser from the worst kind of movie. A love story about this girl who found pain wherever she walked and found what she was looking for all along only now its played by some unknown actress and not me.

In the End

Sky's dark and ground soft, dig me my shallow grave and let the rest of the world swallow me whole I have no destiny here.

I have run out of places to hide and  prayers to send to the heavens, everything I send always comes back in my sealed envelope noted "return to sender."

Short breathes, slow tears and hidden pain but I have to bare the strength of one million men, no one wants to hear your sorrows "I have problems of my own!"

Like nails on a chalkboard my grated nerves have come to an unbearable pitch and all I can do is stand holding the chalk with my hands to my ears avoiding the truth.

So dig me my shallow grave and let the world swallow me whole, I was only meant to be here for a time, to love and be loved but now that time is up.

Loves don't beat on the ground looking for me because I will already be long gone and your tears wont be enough to soften the ground for mercy and your cries wont be enough to convince the world it made a mistake.

Rejoice for me loves, maybe now I will know why the heavens never opened my prayers and when I learn surely you will know as well, just remember I was only meant to be here for a time and that time has ended.

I will mourn my loses just as you will mourn the lose of me but faith that God noticed the girl who lost her way and cried out for forgiveness will make everything ok.

Dig me my shallow grave and let the world swallow me whole, I was here for a time and loved you all well and that love was given from life into eternity.