My Fantasy

You are my fantasy, sculpted like a figure out of ancient times, your body can make a nun wet and want to renounce her vows. But you're a fantasy, only to be touched with the critical eye and dreamed about with a lustful mind. The dream can be sensual with thoughts of pleasure with tongue, teeth, lips and trembling hands grasping at muscles and soft flesh. You are my fantasy and I can explore every part of your being with my minds eye. No, I don't believe in love at first sight that is just a trick of light. I believe that I am meant to caress your body with my hands. I believe I am meant to grind my hips on top of you till you cry my name. I believe I am meant to feel your hard length to the depths of my soul. I don't think like this and I don't talk like this on a regular, but this is where thoughts of you take me. Heart beating, palms sweating, lips massaging, hands exploring, orgasms exploding, wetness trickles down my inner thigh and all of this is with just one thought of you. This is what you do to my mind and body with mental images swimming around my temporal lobe. You are my fantasy, destined to be tasted only once and longed for by the body. Captivating my senses with just a look, mocha skin making my mouth water. Chocolate is relief to my taste buds, its my only satisfaction because you are a forbidden taste, but I know you taste just like chocolate. Flavor invades my lips, wanting it to be tasted by lower lips, I feel you. Can I, just for one night, find your soft spot and delve my tongue into each and every dip you posses and ooh how facial hair rubbing my inner thigh can stimulate every nerve ending I have. Soft music, candlelight, fruit strategically placed, this is how I see you, this is where I want you. You are my fantasy only to be tasted once and dreamed about throughout time and I will you know. Dream about all of the positions and sensations that could be a part of who we are. I want to be lost inside of you as if we are one and not in the forever sense, just in an erotic sense. Make my legs quake with full thrusts and hit my spot on every downward stroke. I want this, no, I need this because without this I exist on a plain of unfulfilled desires that can be quenched only by you. I don't want you to be my soul mate, I just want you to shake my soul till all that's left of me is a shell. Intimacy, the ultimate destination and I want you to ride with me on the road to ecstasy. You can bring this to me lover, sensuality personified, you have me. You are my fantasy captivating all that I am set forth in a trance, turned into a feign. You are....

Y.O.U

I thought about you all day today, erotic thoughts swimming around in my rising tide of desire. I dreamed as if I felt you a million times before. I dreamed your hand ran along the peaks and valleys of my body as an explorer of many foreign lands. You heightened my passion with whisper soft kisses in my most sensitive places and my throat went dry from trying to hold back inevitable cries of ecstasy. I felt you as I have never felt you before as your tongue played Beethoven's 9Th symphony in E flat and my body sang the song of a siren in love for the first time. You made me feel, and it was so amazing I had to squeeze my legs tightly above my sensitive bud of love and shut my eyes so that no one around could see the lust there dilating my pupils so that the grey flecks shone bright like brilliant stars in a far away galaxy. As I sat there eyes closed, thighs tight, body trembling ever so slightly, I tumbled into the deepest of the great blue ocean. I clamped my teeth together to prevent the cry of rapture that was threatening to fall from my lips as a single tear trickled down my cheek. As the clouds obstructing my vision faded away a smile spread across my face and slowly my legs parted and my mind came back to the here and now, I thought about what I would say if you asked me how my day was. I can show you better than I can tell you of my thoughts about you today.

Lost and Alone

So I met someone I thought myself in love with. Why would I think that when I have never felt worthy of any kind of love from a man. I have friends and family that tell me I'm attractive but for some reason men dont see what they see. I think its because they love who I am and they are supportive of what type of person I am. I love my friends and family for that. But anyway back to what i was saying I met someone who doesnt like my outer appearance but he loves me as a person. I dont want that I want the person who is interested in me to be attracted to me. I know im not the best looking person but there has to be something about my outer that makes up for all of the outer. I really am not going to say I dont care about him but i feel like he is pulling away from me now because even though he feels like I am what he needs I know that I am not what he wants. For me that is the worst thing for someone to tell you because then you always feel like you are not good enough. I dont want to be around someone who makes me feel like I am lucky to be with them. Shouldnt they feel like they are happy to be with me and vice versa. I shouldnt feel like I am lucky to be with them and they shouldnt feel like they are lucky to be with me. It should just be a mutual happiness that the person brings to you. I have cried and screamed and died slowly from the inside dealing with this man because I care about him so much and I have never felt for anyone how i feel for him and it hurts so much that Im not good enough for him and why because he is not perfect. I think its time for me to move on because I can tell things have changed. I just wish that I didnt feel like crap about it. I have always been able to guard my heart with these types of things but I did open up to him and now im crushed. Stupid me for believing that someone could actually care for me. I guess my prediction from early in life was correct ...I am meant to be alone. I guess you can say right now that I am broken hearted but what can I do I think I am just not even gonna try anymore. I am so tired of men not looking at me as anything of value. Im done!

Sad Love Story

When we met I knew you were the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, your charm was hypnotizing.
As time has gone on my feelings have gotten stronger and I cant hide them anymore.
I have always wished for a man like you to come along and be my friend maybe even my lover, then one day you introduced me to her and my dreams were shattered.
You told me she was the one you have been waiting for, the woman of your dreams.
You told me you don't know how you survived all of these years without her in your life.
You told me that now you are complete and every breath feels like springtime.
I told you I know what you mean because I feel the same way about you.
Now I am in a predicament because all I have wanted to do is tell you everything that is in my heart.
That heart is now left bleeding with no chance of relief from a pain so deep that my soul is left shaking.
How can you tell me you love her so much, know those feelings deep down inside and not see them in my eyes.
You told me she was the one you have been waiting for, the woman of your dreams.
You told me you don't know how you survived all of these years without her in your life.
You told me that now you are complete and every breath feels like springtime.
I told you I know what you mean because I feel the same way about you.
My story is common not so foreign to me, it seems like any man I have ever loved doesn't see inside of me.
Its possible that I haven't found the one true love meant for me or its possible that I am meant to walk life's roads alone.
So this is how the story ends I am left alone again wanting a man that will never be mine wanting what is not to be mine.
You told me she was the one you have been waiting for, the woman of your dreams.
You told me you don't know how you survived all of these years without her in your life.
You told me that now you are complete and every breath feels like spring time.
I told you I know what you mean because I feel the same way about you.
Is it possible for you to choose me?

My Pen

Time stood still outside of my hour glass so I decided to write.
I was told that writing was a cowards way out but to me its freedom.
I can live the life I have chosen through my pen turning words into memories of times never shared but remembered in my subconscious wanting.
I just let the words and the metaphors live inside my soul until I'm ready to let them spring forth from my pen and give life to creation.
With my pen and paper I feel like God's child speaking that which is not into existence.
With my pen I can scratch out past atrocities reborn of pain as if that section of my life never existed.
While my pen is given free rain I can imagine my flesh and organs on the sunny beaches of Brazil making my caramel skin bronze and revealing freckles on my nose.
I am given future happiness through my pen baring me children and a husband that don't currently exist.
My pen gives me away to beat down the ultimate enemy making God ruler of all in his kingdom and in his people.
Heavens gates open wide for me because I let my spoken words on paper reveal my true heart to God the only way that I know how through this pen.
I know that I have the strength to make it through the hard times with my soul running free across pages of times.
I have the spirit of an angel ready to receive her wings and take flight throughout this crazy world and create peace where there is none.
I am not a spoken word artist I am a poet and I am able to make wishes come true with just the flick of my wrist, some ink and a sheet of paper.

Lost and Found

Ok I have a tagged page and my ID is lyricalqt.tagged.com. I used to go on there all of the time until my computer broke. I usually don't do dating websites but I figured since I have no life why not meet some interesting men...right? Wrong! I should have never wasted my time. Some of the men on that site are so crazy it is almost scary but I guess you really can't expect more from a dating website. I was thinking maybe I should look for a man since I can't get any to approach me but that was my mistake because doesn't the word say that a MAN that findeth a wife findeth a good thing. I kept thinking why cant my man find me already! I am trying to wait for my husband before I have sex again but let me tell you about frustration...I haven't caved in but since there hasn't been an abundance of men at my door I really haven't been tested. I am 27 and I have had 2 men in my life, let me rephrase that I have had 1 man and 1 boy in my life and middle school doesn't really count. :) Maybe all of the romance novels I read have put thoughts into my head that are impossible or maybe God forgot to design someone for me or maybe the one God designed for me has decided that he is gay...it happens. I honestly don't know what to think but each year I am alone, more crazy thoughts come to my head. This year it was...maybe the man God designed for me doesn't find me attractive, but that's crazy right, because if God designed someone for me then he would find me attractive. I'm so scared to be alone for the rest of my life that I even thought about talking to the next man that comes my way and just having his kids and getting married and all of that stuff but then I think about all of those fears I have about not loving the man I'm with and I quickly change my mind. If I had to pick a theme song for how I feel right now it would be Lost & Found by Ledisi and here are the words...

Always alone someone come for me

Here on my own feels like the pain lasts an eternityTears come no more I wanna smile againLove againPlease someone find me Souls pass me by why can't they see me hereTouch me one time, just like magic I will re-appearSadness like the rain it showers over meI wanna feel againPlease someone find meLost not yet found, breathing in miseryHope looks around when will the sun ever shine on me?I need love to come and carry meTake me awayPlease someone find me I'll sing my song, maybe I'll scream and shoutPlease someone come I don't wanna live without loveHear my plea I have love to give I wanna livePlease someone find me.

You know I really can't decide which thing scares me the most, living without love or loving and losing my heart.

Mother Lee

Recently we had a very important member of our church pass away. Most people considered her to be an angel on earth, which would be very accurate, but in my normal selfish way I considered her to be my own personal savior. She was the person I could always cry to and cry on when things in my life just would not add up. Its so hard now going to church on Sunday and just seeing pictures of her everywhere and not seeing her smiling face. She was the "mother" of the church, she was the pastors wife, and she was the constant source or energy and light in that church. I never thought in a million years that I would have to go to church and not see her sitting in her corner. So in the mist of my sadness I did what I know how to do best...I wrote a poem and its appropriately entitled Mother Lee.....

God called you home to be with him because there were no angels in heaven like you.

Your warm smile and secure embrace was needed to help all the other angels make it through the day.

While you were here we were blessed to have you in our lives but now you are gone so we must say goodbye.

I never thought that there would be a time when we would have to see you go but I was glad to have you near because I loved you so.

You helped me get through some difficult times in my life by telling me I can make it as long as I have god in my life and on my side.

I feel you were my own personal angel sent here to earth to see me through and then you were chosen to go back to heaven because you were tried and true.

I hope to touch as many lives as you did in this life and I know one day if i do like God needs me to I will see you on the other side.

Music and a soundtrack phrase...

Yesterday I was talking to some people about the phrase "Music is the Soundtrack to my Life. "If you really think about it, Music can't really be a soundtrack to anyone's life theoretically speaking. If you look at the definition of soundtrack this is what it says.

sound·track also sound track (soundtrk)
n.
1. The narrow strip at one side of a movie film that carries the sound recording.
a. The music that accompanies a movie.
b. A commercial recording of such music.

OK so maybe our life can be considered as a film or a movie because we do have a little bit of everything, don't we? Breaking it down, we have drama, which consists of haters, fights with friends and nosy parents. Then we have action which involves fist fights, burning yourself with the hot iron and riding the tallest roller coaster in the world. We also have romance which is the same story for just about everyone...boy meets girl, boy gets girl, boy dumps girl for the Blondie slut across the street from you...how common. Your life can even consist of a little bit of porn depending on how much of a freak you are. I wouldn't know anything about that, of course, but I know some people who might ;). If I were to rephrase that phrase, however, I would say something along the lines of "Music provides the soundtrack for my life." That is, if I were to be logically correct about what music means and what it means to me. I would make it my focal point by saying that it provides rather than it is. I mean think of the definition of music...

mu·sic : /myuz-k/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[myoo-zik] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1.an art of sound in time that expresses ideas and emotions in significant forms through the elements of rhythm, melody, harmony, and color.
2.the tones or sounds employed, occurring in single line (melody) or multiple lines (harmony), and sounded or to be sounded by one or more voices or instruments, or both.
3.musical work or compositions for singing or playing.
4.the written or printed score of a musical composition.
5.any sweet, pleasing, or harmonious sounds or sound

The definition shows that music is more of an expression then a person, place or a thing. I would think of music as more of an adjective then a noun. I believe that it can describe a person, place or thing more than it can be a person, place or a thing. OK so maybe you can't say exactly... I feel like music today. I feel like an element of sound. But it doesn't sound any better to say that I went to music today and found my peace of mind. I just feel like that's what people are saying when they use the phrase "Music is the Soundtrack to my life." So I will coin the new phrase "Music provides the soundtrack for my life." Which really makes more sense anyway.

Work, Work, Work

I want my own apartment but this job is really wearing me thin. Sometimes I get tired of talking to people on the phone all day but this is my job. I haven't been doing to well either. My attendance here shows. I mean if you think back to when I started here over 2 years ago. Back in the day we had free lunch and breakfast, we had online access to a lot of things that we don't have access to anymore, we had so much more freedom then what we have now. But now lunch can cost a min of $7 and we don't have access to anything but email and these blogs, which will probably go away in a matter of time. I thought I just needed a break or vacation that's why I went to go see my brother in Washington because I figured I can kill 2 birds with one stone go for my nephews first birthday and go to get a break from this place. Man this job has really gone down hill and its all in an effort to save money. Next thing you know they are going to be cutting positions and pay. I really have to give my position some thought because if I leave now then I have to wait 90 days at a new job to go on my trips but if I stick it out here then I can go on my trips this year and start looking for something different next year. All of the things that made this job appealing are no longer available. At least I actually like the people I work with and I don't have to clean rooms. :)

The One

I have never been the one to believe in fairy tales being the realist that I am but I can finally admit to myself that I want my prince charming to sweep me away and love me forever.

I know ... sad Huh?

I have come to the conclusion that no matter how much of a realist I am I still cry when someone finds true love and happiness at the end of a movie or a book.

Some times my imagination can run wild and I can see his face, feel his heartbeat, touch his skin, breath his scent, learn his body, kiss his lips and sense his soul.

Who? you might ask, well my true love of course

The only man in this world that can hold me tight like he wants to squeeze my breath away, he has the strength to crush my ribs, but is so gentle that I feel secure and treasured at the same time.

The one man who's kisses make me weak in the knees and he is content with just making me weak in the knees for the rest of our lives.

He is not perfect but neither am I and though our flaws can make us angry at each other sometimes our flaws, his and mine, can be attractive and endearing.

My man is a man in the truest sense of the word, as a matter of fact he is so much of a man, he is not ashamed of following God and will say "baby lets pray" even when I don't feel like praying.

He knows that tomorrow is not promised so he loves God and prays and loves me enough to hold on to what he has.

He loves me so much he is more concerned about my health then the way I look and is willing to help me improve and not only does he worship my body he takes care of his.

His intellect along with his bedroom eyes turn me on the most and when I am in his arms we don't have to talk because he is happy just to hold me.

In a world so plagued with divorce and separated marriages, he is my soul mate and the only one that makes me whole and he is fine with that because he will never want anyone else in his bed or his heart.

He works so that he can support his future family and he is just old fashioned enough to want me to stay home with the children and be a house wife but he is just new schooled enough to want a woman that is goal oriented.

I have never met this man but I want this man, he has the characteristics of the man of my dreams and I know there is alot more to a man then what I have described.

So I leave the rest in God's hands because even though I know what I want in a man God knows what I need from a man, My soul mate.

It's my Birthday!

Its my birthday again and because I dont want to and you have probably seen it on my myspace page anyway I wont tell you my age. I feel good about this year although I was trying to stay my previous age for another year it is definatly a blessing to be here another year. I love the fact that God cares enough about me to say that she can still do something on this earth maybe to help someone or maybe to change someones life or to be someones wife.


I still have hope that there is someone out there for me and because my heart has been broken so many times at such a young age I didnt know how to handle it. Now I feel like I am more mature and whatever God brings my way I am ready for the challenge. Life is full of ups and downs anyway and if you dont have them then you are not living. I have had a good birthday so far. I have gotten so much love its unbelievable and I cant believe that God has blessed me with people who care enough to leave messeges and give presents. Its a beautiful thing. Thank you lord for loving me enough to make sure that my day is blessed with love and joy. I hope that many people can have a birthday as blessed as mine and people in your life that love you like I do. You know when I was a kid material things were the most important thing but now that I am older I see that my salvation and the love of people around me is much more important. See! I told you this year was gonna be my year!

My Freedom

I was inspired to fly to the sky where the birds sing a happy song of praise to God all day long.

I cant explain the freedom that comes from being in the air, how my wings take flight and gives my heart joy like lemonade on a 110 degree day in Arizona.

I was given a sort of peace that I cant usually find on this earth and I have thoughts in my mind that could have given a slave the salvation and focus they needed to escape those who were only willing to see them as prisoners.

Before I took flight I was a prisoner of the mentality that many people have of what a person is supposed to be how a person is supposed to react or respond to their close minded philosophy.

Thank God that he gave me individuality because I don't know how I would survive among ignorance or how I would react if someone actually tried to change who I am.

I was inspired to fly to the sky where the birds sing a happy song of praise to God all day long.

I cant believe that I have been picked to be this beautiful creature as a reincarnation of my spirit man and it feels so good that God thought of me when he changed me from woman to animal.

See I was once a living being singing my song for all of the world to hear but no one would listen and so I was forced to change into something I am not so that my voice would be heard and therefore I sold out.

But now in the sky as I fly high above the clouds I am forced to be a me for all of the world to see and I am no longer pushed to be caged by societies image of me.

And now that I am me I can give my praises all day long which is what I have always wanted to do any way so that God can listen and never forget his child.

Even though I am here in this place that I always wanted to be in I don't know what song to sing but I know that its important to know what I am singing for.

I am singing for all those that don't have a voice and I am singing to right the wrong that is in my past so that it will never come back to haunt me in the best stagings of my life.

I am giving light and flight to all that is beyond my reach so that it can be fixed without tears, just joy and moving forward will be the only option for me and those around me.

I was given this gift so that I can flow through your world like a melody and be back where I am supposed to be, on the ground and no longer free.

Birds have everything that I am and now that I was inspired to fly to the sky where the birds sing a happy song of praise to God all day long I can just be.

Tainted Love

I was fourteen when I fell in love with deep dark sepia eyes and chocolate skin.

See what amazed me most about him was the way he commanded your attention without saying a word.

Dangerous was one word to describe the feelings he elicited in me, things that a girl my age at the time, should not be feeling.

I remember how my body would react with just one look from him and how my nipples would rise as if he had caressed them and how I would throb in places I would rather not mention.

The first time alone with love I felt giddy, like this is it, I could really be with him and he can stop the tortured nights I was having with dreams of situations that once again a fourteen year old should not know about.

Nothing of course came of that predicament because although I was young the prospect of carrying his seed was far more scary than the pain of losing my virginity.

A smarter girl would have never put herself in that situation in the first place but thank the lord for no protection and a baby scaring him more than me.

But the dreams of him spreading my thighs and showing me love between woman and man was not when I fell for love, it was the walk from his house to our destination.

His flow sucked me in like his mouth was attached to my lips and his wisdom beyond years his own made my heart flutter and as our tongues twisted together in a play of words a warmth crossed my soul.

I thought his looks were what I wanted but he made me see that his mind was far more valuable and I never wanted that night to end but...

Eventually love walked away with the cheerleader because although our minds made love that night he respected my body far more and just before love walked away he kissed my hand and bid me farewell and walked over to his least respected prize.

The first time I fell in love with deep dark sepia eyes and chocolate skin I was fourteen years old and it was the first time my heart was broken.

Happy Birthday Daddy!

This weekend was really great. I had a good time celebrating my dad's 48 years on this planet and we went out to eat, along with my nana, to Dixie Crossroads. I dont know if they have a Dixie Crossroads around anywhere else in the world but it is a southern seafood restaurant. I love it. Seafood is my favorite so I always love it when we go. I also seen The Waitress for the first time yesterday. I know I am so late but I actually liked it. It was a cute movie. I dont know about the violent husband thing but the rest of it was really good. I am a dreamer and sometimes when things are so good I get scared. I keep thinking that at some point in time I am going to be punished for all of the wrong I do and my world will get turned upside down. I want to do right but my flesh is the hardest thing for me to over come, even more than my mind. But enough of the serious stuff. I really had a nice relaxing weekend and I havent had a good weekend like that in a long time. I am so glad that God continues to bless me like he has and I hope that he never stops. I know that the rain will soon come but I pray that its not anytime soon. I hope that all of my weekends can be as eventful. I am just glad that my daddy enjoyed his birthday thats all I wanted anyway. Im happy...and I havent been able to say that in a long time. But this year is turning out to be a great year.

This nights dream

Last night I had a dream that all of the world was revolving like the sun and we all moved around the planets as fast as lightening.

No one was afraid, there was no pain, just the feeling of freedom in the mind of all who believed that once the storm was over we would all be fine.

We all could float to the sky while breathing in the air fresher above then close to the ground and the birds were below watching as minds soared to the highest hieght.

While we were flying, the sky turned purple, the color of our royal ancestors, and the clouds were gold, the color of a charot carrying the king of all.

There was no fear in the eyes of all the little children who thought it was fun to fly above all that was known to them because they knew that in the clouds, there was a type of peace that the earth couldnt give.

I felt that peace in my heart and soul down to the tip of my toes, into the hair on my head, and the rest of the emotions I felt as I floated to space can not be discribed.

My ancestors then came to me to spread joy of all things unknown and they gave me knowledge to make it through the rest of my time on earth.

I made prosperity with my maker and made sure my name was available to his tongue so that he will not know me not and i then drifted back to the ground.

The distance seemed so far like from heaven to hell but I made it down and just as my toes were to reach the grass I awoke.

I dont know what is to come of my life, but i know that it is of importance, because I was called to the sky and my feet never touched the ground.

Happy New Year! ;)

Happy New Year! This is my year to shine y'all. I hope you are ready for me...lol naw...but for real... I will be making some changes in my life this year to make myself a better person. I hope that I can go back to school and finally get my degree and get healthy and be happy. That is what my new years resolution is to be happy and I plan on following through with that goal. I am tired of always trying to change something about myself to make me better or to make other people happy. This year its all about me and I am happy about that. It is almost like a weight is lifted off of my shoulders because I am going to be me. I am going to discover what makes me happy. I am going to find the things that I find joy in doing. Praising God is one of those things because I know without him I would not be in the position I am in now. Praying more is definitely on my list of goals. Experiencing new things. I am going on a cruise to the Caribbean this year and it will be my first cruise. I am going to be acting up so bad lol. I hope it is as fun as people say. I heard that Carnival gives the best cruises. I will be leaving out of port Canaveral in Cocoa Fl sometime in Oct. I haven't really set a date yet but me and my girl from work will be making it happen. Plus in March my nephew will be one so I will be making my way to Washington state for the week of the 11th. It is mandatory for Auntie to be there for at least the first birthday. Overall I do believe that this will be an exciting year and I can't wait to see how good it turns out to be. GOD IS LOVE!

My Christmas Carol to my Nephew

Every once in a while I will hear a song that will inspire me or remind me of someone or take me back in time to a memory that makes me smile or makes me cry. Needless to say music is a huge part of who I am. I was listening to this song by India Arie. Although it is written for the special man in her life when I really listened to the words I thought it could be for any man or boy that you love very much if it fits their personality. The one I love like in the song is my nephew Isiah. Here are the words to the song Complicated Melody:

If he were a color

He'd be a deep dark forest green

If he were a car

He'd be a long stretch limousine

With room for all of humanity inside

Cause he is so giving

And he is so wise

If he were a number

He'd be a five cause he has such a brilliant mind

If were an animal

He'd be an ass cause he's so stubborn sometimes

But if he were a song He'd be a complicated melody

That complicated fellow he

I almost can not sing it on key

But he means the world to me

If he were a building He'd be a beautiful cathedral

Cause he's so traditionally spiritual

If he were a dance

He'd be complicated like the tango

Exotic like a mango

But if here a song He'd be a complicated melody

That complicated fellow he

I almost can not sing it on key

But he means the world me

He ain't the reason for the sun and the moon

He is the reason for this here tune

Cause he means the world to me (ooh ooh)

Said he means the world to me

Me me me yeah

He means the world to me yeah

Complicated melody that complicated fellow he

He's a complicated melody

I almost can not sing it on key

I love you Izy Bear

Lord help me!

I can hear my heart crying out to the lord to save me from the ignorance that people bring into my life with unnecessary drama.

Hurt, depression, sadness, God never told me that living for him could be so hard but they didn't like Jesus, Gods only son, what makes me think they will

like me.

Here I am, loving God, hating life, wishing that I could live someone else's life and leave mine, I'm not happy with me anymore.

So I write because this is how I free myself from the day to day pain and to let that load fall off my shoulders with each word I write.

Can someone help me understand how sentences from lips can break a heart so slowly till there is no heart left or its hard as rocks and there is no more feeling in my soul.

I am empty and devoid of all reason and i am left with only hate and that's what the devil wants and with this struggle i cant give him the victory.

I want God to have the victory in my life i want to cry out you cant win like MJ in The Wiz till my lungs and vocal cords are sore from constant exertion of emotions.

My prayer will be, when i have the strength to say what I want from God, Lord please give me the strength to not care what anyone says about me, to me, around me.

Show me that the only thing that matters is what you think of me and my walk with you and provide me with the guidance to know when to fight for my sanity and when to let go.

I would end that prayer with a Hallelujah and Amen, praise God and thanks again.

I will be OK despite all of my pain and heartache as long as he stays by my side.

Dangerously Beautiful

I just seen a woman that was so beautiful she could promote envy or lust in the most confidant and straight woman.
Not an average beauty, but above all else, with a short hair cut and a walk that will make you do a double take.
I seen her twice and both times I was star struck because surely she must be famous for just her looks along.
This woman with her below average height and well put figure, big brown eyes and caramel skin makes me wish I had worked harder to be beautiful.
Me with my below average looks and badly put figure, green eyes and honey skin could never measure up on a good day.
I just had to tell you because if you see her then my warning will help you get through that encounter.
Lady temptation will bite you in the ass if you don't watch her and I heard street cats lay claim to her and not make it out alive so if you step to her you don't value your life.
Can I hip you to something you may not know? A woman that beautiful can only be trouble and again I just want to issue a waring.
I do fear for your vitals.

Anymore

I don't have the strength to love you anymore.

I have spent 3 years hoping you would look my way but you never have and I give up.

Crazy thing this love is I pictured everything from our wedding day to our children, How they would look like you and me, and you don't even notice me.

When I felt joy in my heart you were on my mind and I couldn't stop thinking about how you make me feel.

Maybe it would have been easier if you were mine and the fantasy wasn't so real or close to me.

Watching you, smelling you, feeling you, wanting you, dreaming of you, loving you, wishing for you, praying for you, needing you, all of the feelings running through me at once.

I think that was my problem I spent so much energy on these feelings for you till I gave all that I had, Now I can't even give to myself

I don't have the strength to love you anymore.

And when I try to let this obsession go because I know it's no good for me I freeze from the hope of thinking maybe one day you will see me.

I really want you to care but I don't even know how to talk to you or what to say to you to convey what I feel, why I feel.

Tired of you looking past me, sad that I haven't caught your eye, stupid because I haven't given up until now.

Three long years of all of these emotions drowning me in an endless sea of sorrow, dealing with it without results.

But now I just don't have the strength to love you anymore.