My Christmas Carol to my Nephew

Every once in a while I will hear a song that will inspire me or remind me of someone or take me back in time to a memory that makes me smile or makes me cry. Needless to say music is a huge part of who I am. I was listening to this song by India Arie. Although it is written for the special man in her life when I really listened to the words I thought it could be for any man or boy that you love very much if it fits their personality. The one I love like in the song is my nephew Isiah. Here are the words to the song Complicated Melody:

If he were a color

He'd be a deep dark forest green

If he were a car

He'd be a long stretch limousine

With room for all of humanity inside

Cause he is so giving

And he is so wise

If he were a number

He'd be a five cause he has such a brilliant mind

If were an animal

He'd be an ass cause he's so stubborn sometimes

But if he were a song He'd be a complicated melody

That complicated fellow he

I almost can not sing it on key

But he means the world to me

If he were a building He'd be a beautiful cathedral

Cause he's so traditionally spiritual

If he were a dance

He'd be complicated like the tango

Exotic like a mango

But if here a song He'd be a complicated melody

That complicated fellow he

I almost can not sing it on key

But he means the world me

He ain't the reason for the sun and the moon

He is the reason for this here tune

Cause he means the world to me (ooh ooh)

Said he means the world to me

Me me me yeah

He means the world to me yeah

Complicated melody that complicated fellow he

He's a complicated melody

I almost can not sing it on key

I love you Izy Bear

Lord help me!

I can hear my heart crying out to the lord to save me from the ignorance that people bring into my life with unnecessary drama.

Hurt, depression, sadness, God never told me that living for him could be so hard but they didn't like Jesus, Gods only son, what makes me think they will

like me.

Here I am, loving God, hating life, wishing that I could live someone else's life and leave mine, I'm not happy with me anymore.

So I write because this is how I free myself from the day to day pain and to let that load fall off my shoulders with each word I write.

Can someone help me understand how sentences from lips can break a heart so slowly till there is no heart left or its hard as rocks and there is no more feeling in my soul.

I am empty and devoid of all reason and i am left with only hate and that's what the devil wants and with this struggle i cant give him the victory.

I want God to have the victory in my life i want to cry out you cant win like MJ in The Wiz till my lungs and vocal cords are sore from constant exertion of emotions.

My prayer will be, when i have the strength to say what I want from God, Lord please give me the strength to not care what anyone says about me, to me, around me.

Show me that the only thing that matters is what you think of me and my walk with you and provide me with the guidance to know when to fight for my sanity and when to let go.

I would end that prayer with a Hallelujah and Amen, praise God and thanks again.

I will be OK despite all of my pain and heartache as long as he stays by my side.

Dangerously Beautiful

I just seen a woman that was so beautiful she could promote envy or lust in the most confidant and straight woman.
Not an average beauty, but above all else, with a short hair cut and a walk that will make you do a double take.
I seen her twice and both times I was star struck because surely she must be famous for just her looks along.
This woman with her below average height and well put figure, big brown eyes and caramel skin makes me wish I had worked harder to be beautiful.
Me with my below average looks and badly put figure, green eyes and honey skin could never measure up on a good day.
I just had to tell you because if you see her then my warning will help you get through that encounter.
Lady temptation will bite you in the ass if you don't watch her and I heard street cats lay claim to her and not make it out alive so if you step to her you don't value your life.
Can I hip you to something you may not know? A woman that beautiful can only be trouble and again I just want to issue a waring.
I do fear for your vitals.

Anymore

I don't have the strength to love you anymore.

I have spent 3 years hoping you would look my way but you never have and I give up.

Crazy thing this love is I pictured everything from our wedding day to our children, How they would look like you and me, and you don't even notice me.

When I felt joy in my heart you were on my mind and I couldn't stop thinking about how you make me feel.

Maybe it would have been easier if you were mine and the fantasy wasn't so real or close to me.

Watching you, smelling you, feeling you, wanting you, dreaming of you, loving you, wishing for you, praying for you, needing you, all of the feelings running through me at once.

I think that was my problem I spent so much energy on these feelings for you till I gave all that I had, Now I can't even give to myself

I don't have the strength to love you anymore.

And when I try to let this obsession go because I know it's no good for me I freeze from the hope of thinking maybe one day you will see me.

I really want you to care but I don't even know how to talk to you or what to say to you to convey what I feel, why I feel.

Tired of you looking past me, sad that I haven't caught your eye, stupid because I haven't given up until now.

Three long years of all of these emotions drowning me in an endless sea of sorrow, dealing with it without results.

But now I just don't have the strength to love you anymore.

Day to Day

From day to day I am living my life with nothing to look forward to.

Don't get me wrong I thank God for all that I have but I want more unfortunately.

I want a career that I love and that I can wake up every day and say yea! I get to go to work

I want a friend that doesn't expect anything from me but for me to be myself and love those quirks and the not so good about me.

I want to look forward to each day as a day to say yes! This is me and I am here and my heart is full from people who love me, but I am alone, I have no true friends and I thought that was OK and at first it was but I need to stop looking for approval from people cause people cant make me who I am.

But this is life right? Cause not everyone has friends and not everyone can make it day to day and this is my life and this is my pain and this is what I deal with and I know its sad but bare with me there is more.

I thought no one liked me because of my internal pain because when I walked by everyone could see my scars.

Blaming those who did me wrong before was my way of dealing with my internal demons.

But I was wrong, no one can see my tears on the inside.

No one knows my battles and though I should let the lord take control I cant seem to give him everything.

So I am stuck in this cycle that I have put myself into since I was a child and so I'm here living day to day with no reason to look forward to tomorrow.

I want my life to be in a different place.

I don't want this day to day stuff taking control of me.

I want to be this great person that no one forgets.

I know that I put to much into what people think of me but doesn't everyone.

I mean because you have the money you can change your nose and because you have the money you can hire a cook to make healthy food so that you can look like these thin models that you see on T.V. because you think that's what everyone else wants to see in you.

How do I change my way of thinking when the media and people around me want me to look like them and how can I be proud of me and my accomplishments when I am never encouraged to be me but to be someone else.

So yea, I want to be great because anything less is not excepted.

Feel for me because I am being subdued and someone else's dreams will emerge from my being.

No love for me just love for what they need me to be and this is my life day to day. Can you feel me?

There is no title yet...

They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...that's a load of crap.

Because after you stop feeling like your heart has been ripped apart by a bear when that love leaves you, you are wishing you didn't love at all.

The love you felt cant even over shadow the pain you feel and after the pain is the emptiness and after the emptiness is resnetment and you cna guess where i am going with this

Love has the power to elicit some of the most prominent emotions from a person and when that love is distroyed those feelings of loss are all thats left.

I have been in this situation before and I wouldnt wish these type of feelings on my worst enemy...


Thats all I have so far. I dont know what else to say because I woke up in the middle of the night and all of the emotions in that poem made me jump out of my sleep. I cant describe what its like to have such feelings of loneliness and know that there is someone right beside you at all times. I know that God is watching me and I know that Jesus has my back but when your emotions come into play logic is no longer involved.

Who says movies cant make you feel?

I went to go see Why Did I Get Married this weekend and it was the best movie that I had seen in a long time. It made me cry, laugh, say " o no he didnt", and say thats what im talkin bout.lol I havent had a movie do that in a long time. It was really worth the money but then again what Tyler Perry movie or play isnt. I did however fall in love with the Troy character played by Lamman Rucker

(which is my new crush by the way). He really stole the show for me along with Jill Scott who I would have never thought of as an actress until i saw her in this role. Overall I would say if you have not seen this movie you must go see it I promise it is worth your $10.

I think he is the love of my life.

Today is a slow day here at work so I have allot of time on my hands right now. I have this friend that has been there since I was 12 but I really don't know what to do about him. I used to be in love with him I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread but I know I'm not where I need to be in my life and I know that he is struggling and everyday I question my real feelings for him. On one hand when I talk to him I remember why I love him. He is funny and laid back and easy to talk to when he doesn't want to argue. On the other hand he has so many issues and he complains allot about his family and the hand he was dealt in life instead of living his life and doing something about it or making changes. I admit I am his friend as well as I am there for him when he needs someone to talk to because he is having such a hard time dealing with things but then sometimes I just want to say "everyone has problems, deal with it, don't complain do something about!" But how can I say that to him when I don't even follow my own advice. I want something different, I want to be better and I want to make a change in my life to do something my parents can be proud of me for. But I don't know where to start. I feel so hopeless sometimes like I cant move from this stand still place that I am in. Its almost like if I die my family will miss me but no one will know who I am. Do I really want people to know me like that though? as someone who never made a difference. What changes could I possibly make that are positive for other people rather than myself. Sometimes I want to be selfish in my dreams but I know that if I was this great person who had all of this money then I would make sure my family and friends are taken care of. But back to this man that I'm not sure if I love or not. He can be a great person. He listens to me when I feel like whining which isn't much. He is there when I am upset and although he has a girl living with him sometimes I get the feeling he would rather have me there. He has never said how he feels for me he always says I'm his homegirl so I guess that's how he feels but then he doesn't talk to me like a homeboy. We have intimate conversations at times and sometimes I get mixed signals from him. I look at it like this though if he doesn't tell me how he feels then I will just leave it at being his homegirl. But if I do that what if we are supposed to have a future together. Am I waisting time waiting for him to come to me and then he finds someone else then what. I don't know what to do. So for now I wont say anything but if it is the case and we are supposed to be together I will be really disappointed that we didn't make that move sooner. But then again everything happens for a reason and maybe it's just not him or the time.

What can I do?

So I am different then most people. Sometimes I do random things like say the first thing that comes to the top of my head or something really silly in public or at work and some people laugh. Then there are those people that always have something to say. Maybe it's because they don't understand a person like me. Maybe its because they don't agree with some of the things that I say. I don't know. I am not here to make other people happy but sometimes i cant help but feeling like i have 2 heads or something because of the way people look at me. I am not going to change because i have been like this my whole life and it fits me. I am different and unique and I wont be defined as a type of person by anyone. But I do feel left out sometimes and I really wish that people could except me for who i am. I used to be that girl that had low self esteem because I had no friends but then as I got older I found that it takes a very good and loving individual to deal with me and that's OK. Because as long as I don't have to many friends I will never have to wonder who my real friends are. This song says exactly how I feel right now.

I know God will make a Way

I like gospel music and sometimes there are songs that just speak to my situation and give me hope that things will get better in the future. I do believe in God because I know without him I would have been dead and gone by now. I have had some really hard times in my life maybe not as hard as some people but it has been difficult. But the name of the song is I Understand and here are the lyrics:

Sometimes I feel like giving up
It seems like my best just ain't good enough
Lord if you hear me, I'm calling you
Do you see, do you care all about what I'm going through
And then he says, one more day, one more step
See I'm preparing you for myself
And when you can't hear my voice, please trust my plan
I'm the Lord, I see and yes I understand

But sometimes I feel like I'm all alone
I'm just like a stranger so far from home
I feel like I've done all that I can do
Please Lord give me strength, I'm just trying to make it through
That's when he told me one more day, one more step
See I'm preparing you for myself
And if you can't hear my voice, please trust my plan
I'm the Lord I see you and yes I understand

He knows how much we can bear
And in the time of trouble he promised he would always be there
I understand
The Lord is telling you yes I understand
I am the Lord I see you and yes I understand

I am the Lord I changeth not
I won't forget nor have I forgot
You see every thing works according to my plan
I am God, trust me, I got the whole world in my hand

One more day, one more step
I'm preparing you all for myself
And you can't hear me speaking, just trust my plan
I'm the Lord I see you and yes I understand
I'm the Lord I see and yes I understand
I am the Lord I see what you're going through
Every problem, every trial, every burden, every situation
I understand, I won't leave you
I understand, understand, understand

i hope that anyone who reads this post will be as inspired as I was when I listened to this song. Just remember that the lord sees your hurt and your pain and all of your problems and he understands. One Love

Watch little Kara sing

I thought this was the cutest thing in the world and I needed to post this for anyone who cares to check out my blog. I have never laughed so hard in my life and she was singing her littler heart out. She is only 2 but she looks like she knows every word to this song doesnt she?

Here we go again

You know i would love to stop struggling on a daily basis. What can I do sometimes I feel like I don't make enough to survive even though I have help. I struggle on a daily basis. I know that there are people in this world that are doing worse than me but I cant help but feel sorry for myself sometimes. I mean its human nature right? To feel for yourself. Bring everything to an all time low. I wish that I could do more sometimes but then other times i just feel like i cant do anything else that this is where I'm going to be for the rest of my life. I need to know what to do because my life is falling apart on a daily basis. I don't know how much longer I can actually keep my sanity.

Music is my life

As long as I can remember all I have ever wanted to do is sing. I have always had people tell me that I'm not good enough until I started to believe them. I wonder what people hear when they listen to me. Do they hear a good voice or do they hear someone that needs some work. When I listen to myself I think in the back of my mind you need some work honey its not that tight. But then when I hear other songs that I sing it sounds almost like the artist. One thing my mama always told me though is if you want to make a name for yourself don't try to sound like someone else. The problem is I don't know what I sound like. Some people just have it they have that distinct sound that sets them apart from anyone else like Beyonce, Shakira, Rhianna, Amy Winehouse and Tina Turner or even Michael Jackson. These artist set the standards for greatness and I have even asked myself why cant i be great. I want to be one of the people born to greatness. I realize that these artist worked for what they wanted but honestly if they didn't have the raw talent it would make a dam bit of difference how hard they worked for it or how bad they wanted it it just wouldn't have happened for them. I'm not saying that I have worked at it all my life I didn't exactly have supportive parents that were like yea reach for the stars and make your dreams come true. My parents were more like get your education you can never make it as a singer stick to your books and as this was drilled into my head over the years I got my education and made not one mark of my presence in this world. I once asked myself what makes people great. I never got an answer to that question and I really want to know what makes someone great. Is it the amount of money they have because God knows that money makes the world go round. Is it the way someone dresses. I have seen some of these so called "trendsetters" and I'm not impressed because anyone can take an outfit that doesn't match and is all colorful and as long as they rock it with confidence it will be the next style in fashion. I know that no one reads these things so I can vent if I want to. What will it take to make my mark on the world. I want people to remember me. I have always been the good girl the nice friend that when you first see her she looks so mean and she is stuck up but when you get to know her she is funny and cool as hell. (shouldn't judge a book by its cover I am a prime example of that) I just want to know if I can make my presence know and if I can stop being invisible to people. I want to be great.

A New Day

I never thought that my life would turn out the way that it is now. I always thought that I would be better than I was. You know never being the popular girl in school but always wanting to fit in. So I heard that when your life is so bad as a child that it gets better and so far I am still having the same trouble that I had as a child. I havent turned into the swan and maybe thats just what the problem is I dont know but I do know that I dont like the fact that I cant be this great person that makes a change in some way where I can tell all the people who ever treated me like crap ha! look at me now. Instead its almost like I am proving them right. The problem is I dont know where to start. I dont know how to change or evolve or become someone who is not scared to be me. Dont get me wrong there are some great things in my life like my family and my nephew ecspecially. I have some good friends who I can actually get along with as long as i dont live with them. I have been down that road before and i dont think i can go there again. I have a job that i actually like but i would much rather work in music if its all the same to life. I just want to do something where i can wake up everymorning and go yea! i get to go to work. I just got a raise so maybe that should be incentive enough lol. who knows. I wanted to post some othere blogs that I started on another website but I cant seem to find them so whenever I get a chance I will find them and just post them on here. Peace and blessings.

Boring Me

Ok So I am at work not wanting to do any work so I decided to start a blog. This will really give me something to do on our slow days. My brother just left on Wed to be at his next destination which really bummed me out because as much as he gets on my nerves I miss him alot when he is gone. Plus the military is so unpredictable I pray everyday that they dont send him back to Iraq. Plus my nephew who seems to have this weird attraction to his auntie only wants to smile and talk to me when I am far away and I call him my tenka baby lol. Dont know what thats all about. When I go to hold him he wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I love him anyway. I dont know what makes me want to do this and put most of my bussiness out there for people to see after all if anyone cares to know about my life they may read what I have to say all the time. Anyway I hope that anyone who comes across this blog has a blessed day and I want you to join in my prayers for my brother on a daily bases. The last time he was in Iraq it changed him for the worst. I pray he never has to go through that again.