My Pen

Time stood still outside of my hour glass so I decided to write.
I was told that writing was a cowards way out but to me its freedom.
I can live the life I have chosen through my pen turning words into memories of times never shared but remembered in my subconscious wanting.
I just let the words and the metaphors live inside my soul until I'm ready to let them spring forth from my pen and give life to creation.
With my pen and paper I feel like God's child speaking that which is not into existence.
With my pen I can scratch out past atrocities reborn of pain as if that section of my life never existed.
While my pen is given free rain I can imagine my flesh and organs on the sunny beaches of Brazil making my caramel skin bronze and revealing freckles on my nose.
I am given future happiness through my pen baring me children and a husband that don't currently exist.
My pen gives me away to beat down the ultimate enemy making God ruler of all in his kingdom and in his people.
Heavens gates open wide for me because I let my spoken words on paper reveal my true heart to God the only way that I know how through this pen.
I know that I have the strength to make it through the hard times with my soul running free across pages of times.
I have the spirit of an angel ready to receive her wings and take flight throughout this crazy world and create peace where there is none.
I am not a spoken word artist I am a poet and I am able to make wishes come true with just the flick of my wrist, some ink and a sheet of paper.

Lost and Found

Ok I have a tagged page and my ID is lyricalqt.tagged.com. I used to go on there all of the time until my computer broke. I usually don't do dating websites but I figured since I have no life why not meet some interesting men...right? Wrong! I should have never wasted my time. Some of the men on that site are so crazy it is almost scary but I guess you really can't expect more from a dating website. I was thinking maybe I should look for a man since I can't get any to approach me but that was my mistake because doesn't the word say that a MAN that findeth a wife findeth a good thing. I kept thinking why cant my man find me already! I am trying to wait for my husband before I have sex again but let me tell you about frustration...I haven't caved in but since there hasn't been an abundance of men at my door I really haven't been tested. I am 27 and I have had 2 men in my life, let me rephrase that I have had 1 man and 1 boy in my life and middle school doesn't really count. :) Maybe all of the romance novels I read have put thoughts into my head that are impossible or maybe God forgot to design someone for me or maybe the one God designed for me has decided that he is gay...it happens. I honestly don't know what to think but each year I am alone, more crazy thoughts come to my head. This year it was...maybe the man God designed for me doesn't find me attractive, but that's crazy right, because if God designed someone for me then he would find me attractive. I'm so scared to be alone for the rest of my life that I even thought about talking to the next man that comes my way and just having his kids and getting married and all of that stuff but then I think about all of those fears I have about not loving the man I'm with and I quickly change my mind. If I had to pick a theme song for how I feel right now it would be Lost & Found by Ledisi and here are the words...

Always alone someone come for me

Here on my own feels like the pain lasts an eternityTears come no more I wanna smile againLove againPlease someone find me Souls pass me by why can't they see me hereTouch me one time, just like magic I will re-appearSadness like the rain it showers over meI wanna feel againPlease someone find meLost not yet found, breathing in miseryHope looks around when will the sun ever shine on me?I need love to come and carry meTake me awayPlease someone find me I'll sing my song, maybe I'll scream and shoutPlease someone come I don't wanna live without loveHear my plea I have love to give I wanna livePlease someone find me.

You know I really can't decide which thing scares me the most, living without love or loving and losing my heart.

Mother Lee

Recently we had a very important member of our church pass away. Most people considered her to be an angel on earth, which would be very accurate, but in my normal selfish way I considered her to be my own personal savior. She was the person I could always cry to and cry on when things in my life just would not add up. Its so hard now going to church on Sunday and just seeing pictures of her everywhere and not seeing her smiling face. She was the "mother" of the church, she was the pastors wife, and she was the constant source or energy and light in that church. I never thought in a million years that I would have to go to church and not see her sitting in her corner. So in the mist of my sadness I did what I know how to do best...I wrote a poem and its appropriately entitled Mother Lee.....

God called you home to be with him because there were no angels in heaven like you.

Your warm smile and secure embrace was needed to help all the other angels make it through the day.

While you were here we were blessed to have you in our lives but now you are gone so we must say goodbye.

I never thought that there would be a time when we would have to see you go but I was glad to have you near because I loved you so.

You helped me get through some difficult times in my life by telling me I can make it as long as I have god in my life and on my side.

I feel you were my own personal angel sent here to earth to see me through and then you were chosen to go back to heaven because you were tried and true.

I hope to touch as many lives as you did in this life and I know one day if i do like God needs me to I will see you on the other side.

Music and a soundtrack phrase...

Yesterday I was talking to some people about the phrase "Music is the Soundtrack to my Life. "If you really think about it, Music can't really be a soundtrack to anyone's life theoretically speaking. If you look at the definition of soundtrack this is what it says.

sound·track also sound track (soundtrk)
n.
1. The narrow strip at one side of a movie film that carries the sound recording.
a. The music that accompanies a movie.
b. A commercial recording of such music.

OK so maybe our life can be considered as a film or a movie because we do have a little bit of everything, don't we? Breaking it down, we have drama, which consists of haters, fights with friends and nosy parents. Then we have action which involves fist fights, burning yourself with the hot iron and riding the tallest roller coaster in the world. We also have romance which is the same story for just about everyone...boy meets girl, boy gets girl, boy dumps girl for the Blondie slut across the street from you...how common. Your life can even consist of a little bit of porn depending on how much of a freak you are. I wouldn't know anything about that, of course, but I know some people who might ;). If I were to rephrase that phrase, however, I would say something along the lines of "Music provides the soundtrack for my life." That is, if I were to be logically correct about what music means and what it means to me. I would make it my focal point by saying that it provides rather than it is. I mean think of the definition of music...

mu·sic : /myuz-k/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[myoo-zik] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1.an art of sound in time that expresses ideas and emotions in significant forms through the elements of rhythm, melody, harmony, and color.
2.the tones or sounds employed, occurring in single line (melody) or multiple lines (harmony), and sounded or to be sounded by one or more voices or instruments, or both.
3.musical work or compositions for singing or playing.
4.the written or printed score of a musical composition.
5.any sweet, pleasing, or harmonious sounds or sound

The definition shows that music is more of an expression then a person, place or a thing. I would think of music as more of an adjective then a noun. I believe that it can describe a person, place or thing more than it can be a person, place or a thing. OK so maybe you can't say exactly... I feel like music today. I feel like an element of sound. But it doesn't sound any better to say that I went to music today and found my peace of mind. I just feel like that's what people are saying when they use the phrase "Music is the Soundtrack to my life." So I will coin the new phrase "Music provides the soundtrack for my life." Which really makes more sense anyway.

Work, Work, Work

I want my own apartment but this job is really wearing me thin. Sometimes I get tired of talking to people on the phone all day but this is my job. I haven't been doing to well either. My attendance here shows. I mean if you think back to when I started here over 2 years ago. Back in the day we had free lunch and breakfast, we had online access to a lot of things that we don't have access to anymore, we had so much more freedom then what we have now. But now lunch can cost a min of $7 and we don't have access to anything but email and these blogs, which will probably go away in a matter of time. I thought I just needed a break or vacation that's why I went to go see my brother in Washington because I figured I can kill 2 birds with one stone go for my nephews first birthday and go to get a break from this place. Man this job has really gone down hill and its all in an effort to save money. Next thing you know they are going to be cutting positions and pay. I really have to give my position some thought because if I leave now then I have to wait 90 days at a new job to go on my trips but if I stick it out here then I can go on my trips this year and start looking for something different next year. All of the things that made this job appealing are no longer available. At least I actually like the people I work with and I don't have to clean rooms. :)

The One

I have never been the one to believe in fairy tales being the realist that I am but I can finally admit to myself that I want my prince charming to sweep me away and love me forever.

I know ... sad Huh?

I have come to the conclusion that no matter how much of a realist I am I still cry when someone finds true love and happiness at the end of a movie or a book.

Some times my imagination can run wild and I can see his face, feel his heartbeat, touch his skin, breath his scent, learn his body, kiss his lips and sense his soul.

Who? you might ask, well my true love of course

The only man in this world that can hold me tight like he wants to squeeze my breath away, he has the strength to crush my ribs, but is so gentle that I feel secure and treasured at the same time.

The one man who's kisses make me weak in the knees and he is content with just making me weak in the knees for the rest of our lives.

He is not perfect but neither am I and though our flaws can make us angry at each other sometimes our flaws, his and mine, can be attractive and endearing.

My man is a man in the truest sense of the word, as a matter of fact he is so much of a man, he is not ashamed of following God and will say "baby lets pray" even when I don't feel like praying.

He knows that tomorrow is not promised so he loves God and prays and loves me enough to hold on to what he has.

He loves me so much he is more concerned about my health then the way I look and is willing to help me improve and not only does he worship my body he takes care of his.

His intellect along with his bedroom eyes turn me on the most and when I am in his arms we don't have to talk because he is happy just to hold me.

In a world so plagued with divorce and separated marriages, he is my soul mate and the only one that makes me whole and he is fine with that because he will never want anyone else in his bed or his heart.

He works so that he can support his future family and he is just old fashioned enough to want me to stay home with the children and be a house wife but he is just new schooled enough to want a woman that is goal oriented.

I have never met this man but I want this man, he has the characteristics of the man of my dreams and I know there is alot more to a man then what I have described.

So I leave the rest in God's hands because even though I know what I want in a man God knows what I need from a man, My soul mate.

It's my Birthday!

Its my birthday again and because I dont want to and you have probably seen it on my myspace page anyway I wont tell you my age. I feel good about this year although I was trying to stay my previous age for another year it is definatly a blessing to be here another year. I love the fact that God cares enough about me to say that she can still do something on this earth maybe to help someone or maybe to change someones life or to be someones wife.


I still have hope that there is someone out there for me and because my heart has been broken so many times at such a young age I didnt know how to handle it. Now I feel like I am more mature and whatever God brings my way I am ready for the challenge. Life is full of ups and downs anyway and if you dont have them then you are not living. I have had a good birthday so far. I have gotten so much love its unbelievable and I cant believe that God has blessed me with people who care enough to leave messeges and give presents. Its a beautiful thing. Thank you lord for loving me enough to make sure that my day is blessed with love and joy. I hope that many people can have a birthday as blessed as mine and people in your life that love you like I do. You know when I was a kid material things were the most important thing but now that I am older I see that my salvation and the love of people around me is much more important. See! I told you this year was gonna be my year!

My Freedom

I was inspired to fly to the sky where the birds sing a happy song of praise to God all day long.

I cant explain the freedom that comes from being in the air, how my wings take flight and gives my heart joy like lemonade on a 110 degree day in Arizona.

I was given a sort of peace that I cant usually find on this earth and I have thoughts in my mind that could have given a slave the salvation and focus they needed to escape those who were only willing to see them as prisoners.

Before I took flight I was a prisoner of the mentality that many people have of what a person is supposed to be how a person is supposed to react or respond to their close minded philosophy.

Thank God that he gave me individuality because I don't know how I would survive among ignorance or how I would react if someone actually tried to change who I am.

I was inspired to fly to the sky where the birds sing a happy song of praise to God all day long.

I cant believe that I have been picked to be this beautiful creature as a reincarnation of my spirit man and it feels so good that God thought of me when he changed me from woman to animal.

See I was once a living being singing my song for all of the world to hear but no one would listen and so I was forced to change into something I am not so that my voice would be heard and therefore I sold out.

But now in the sky as I fly high above the clouds I am forced to be a me for all of the world to see and I am no longer pushed to be caged by societies image of me.

And now that I am me I can give my praises all day long which is what I have always wanted to do any way so that God can listen and never forget his child.

Even though I am here in this place that I always wanted to be in I don't know what song to sing but I know that its important to know what I am singing for.

I am singing for all those that don't have a voice and I am singing to right the wrong that is in my past so that it will never come back to haunt me in the best stagings of my life.

I am giving light and flight to all that is beyond my reach so that it can be fixed without tears, just joy and moving forward will be the only option for me and those around me.

I was given this gift so that I can flow through your world like a melody and be back where I am supposed to be, on the ground and no longer free.

Birds have everything that I am and now that I was inspired to fly to the sky where the birds sing a happy song of praise to God all day long I can just be.

Tainted Love

I was fourteen when I fell in love with deep dark sepia eyes and chocolate skin.

See what amazed me most about him was the way he commanded your attention without saying a word.

Dangerous was one word to describe the feelings he elicited in me, things that a girl my age at the time, should not be feeling.

I remember how my body would react with just one look from him and how my nipples would rise as if he had caressed them and how I would throb in places I would rather not mention.

The first time alone with love I felt giddy, like this is it, I could really be with him and he can stop the tortured nights I was having with dreams of situations that once again a fourteen year old should not know about.

Nothing of course came of that predicament because although I was young the prospect of carrying his seed was far more scary than the pain of losing my virginity.

A smarter girl would have never put herself in that situation in the first place but thank the lord for no protection and a baby scaring him more than me.

But the dreams of him spreading my thighs and showing me love between woman and man was not when I fell for love, it was the walk from his house to our destination.

His flow sucked me in like his mouth was attached to my lips and his wisdom beyond years his own made my heart flutter and as our tongues twisted together in a play of words a warmth crossed my soul.

I thought his looks were what I wanted but he made me see that his mind was far more valuable and I never wanted that night to end but...

Eventually love walked away with the cheerleader because although our minds made love that night he respected my body far more and just before love walked away he kissed my hand and bid me farewell and walked over to his least respected prize.

The first time I fell in love with deep dark sepia eyes and chocolate skin I was fourteen years old and it was the first time my heart was broken.

Happy Birthday Daddy!

This weekend was really great. I had a good time celebrating my dad's 48 years on this planet and we went out to eat, along with my nana, to Dixie Crossroads. I dont know if they have a Dixie Crossroads around anywhere else in the world but it is a southern seafood restaurant. I love it. Seafood is my favorite so I always love it when we go. I also seen The Waitress for the first time yesterday. I know I am so late but I actually liked it. It was a cute movie. I dont know about the violent husband thing but the rest of it was really good. I am a dreamer and sometimes when things are so good I get scared. I keep thinking that at some point in time I am going to be punished for all of the wrong I do and my world will get turned upside down. I want to do right but my flesh is the hardest thing for me to over come, even more than my mind. But enough of the serious stuff. I really had a nice relaxing weekend and I havent had a good weekend like that in a long time. I am so glad that God continues to bless me like he has and I hope that he never stops. I know that the rain will soon come but I pray that its not anytime soon. I hope that all of my weekends can be as eventful. I am just glad that my daddy enjoyed his birthday thats all I wanted anyway. Im happy...and I havent been able to say that in a long time. But this year is turning out to be a great year.

This nights dream

Last night I had a dream that all of the world was revolving like the sun and we all moved around the planets as fast as lightening.

No one was afraid, there was no pain, just the feeling of freedom in the mind of all who believed that once the storm was over we would all be fine.

We all could float to the sky while breathing in the air fresher above then close to the ground and the birds were below watching as minds soared to the highest hieght.

While we were flying, the sky turned purple, the color of our royal ancestors, and the clouds were gold, the color of a charot carrying the king of all.

There was no fear in the eyes of all the little children who thought it was fun to fly above all that was known to them because they knew that in the clouds, there was a type of peace that the earth couldnt give.

I felt that peace in my heart and soul down to the tip of my toes, into the hair on my head, and the rest of the emotions I felt as I floated to space can not be discribed.

My ancestors then came to me to spread joy of all things unknown and they gave me knowledge to make it through the rest of my time on earth.

I made prosperity with my maker and made sure my name was available to his tongue so that he will not know me not and i then drifted back to the ground.

The distance seemed so far like from heaven to hell but I made it down and just as my toes were to reach the grass I awoke.

I dont know what is to come of my life, but i know that it is of importance, because I was called to the sky and my feet never touched the ground.

Happy New Year! ;)

Happy New Year! This is my year to shine y'all. I hope you are ready for me...lol naw...but for real... I will be making some changes in my life this year to make myself a better person. I hope that I can go back to school and finally get my degree and get healthy and be happy. That is what my new years resolution is to be happy and I plan on following through with that goal. I am tired of always trying to change something about myself to make me better or to make other people happy. This year its all about me and I am happy about that. It is almost like a weight is lifted off of my shoulders because I am going to be me. I am going to discover what makes me happy. I am going to find the things that I find joy in doing. Praising God is one of those things because I know without him I would not be in the position I am in now. Praying more is definitely on my list of goals. Experiencing new things. I am going on a cruise to the Caribbean this year and it will be my first cruise. I am going to be acting up so bad lol. I hope it is as fun as people say. I heard that Carnival gives the best cruises. I will be leaving out of port Canaveral in Cocoa Fl sometime in Oct. I haven't really set a date yet but me and my girl from work will be making it happen. Plus in March my nephew will be one so I will be making my way to Washington state for the week of the 11th. It is mandatory for Auntie to be there for at least the first birthday. Overall I do believe that this will be an exciting year and I can't wait to see how good it turns out to be. GOD IS LOVE!

My Christmas Carol to my Nephew

Every once in a while I will hear a song that will inspire me or remind me of someone or take me back in time to a memory that makes me smile or makes me cry. Needless to say music is a huge part of who I am. I was listening to this song by India Arie. Although it is written for the special man in her life when I really listened to the words I thought it could be for any man or boy that you love very much if it fits their personality. The one I love like in the song is my nephew Isiah. Here are the words to the song Complicated Melody:

If he were a color

He'd be a deep dark forest green

If he were a car

He'd be a long stretch limousine

With room for all of humanity inside

Cause he is so giving

And he is so wise

If he were a number

He'd be a five cause he has such a brilliant mind

If were an animal

He'd be an ass cause he's so stubborn sometimes

But if he were a song He'd be a complicated melody

That complicated fellow he

I almost can not sing it on key

But he means the world to me

If he were a building He'd be a beautiful cathedral

Cause he's so traditionally spiritual

If he were a dance

He'd be complicated like the tango

Exotic like a mango

But if here a song He'd be a complicated melody

That complicated fellow he

I almost can not sing it on key

But he means the world me

He ain't the reason for the sun and the moon

He is the reason for this here tune

Cause he means the world to me (ooh ooh)

Said he means the world to me

Me me me yeah

He means the world to me yeah

Complicated melody that complicated fellow he

He's a complicated melody

I almost can not sing it on key

I love you Izy Bear

Lord help me!

I can hear my heart crying out to the lord to save me from the ignorance that people bring into my life with unnecessary drama.

Hurt, depression, sadness, God never told me that living for him could be so hard but they didn't like Jesus, Gods only son, what makes me think they will

like me.

Here I am, loving God, hating life, wishing that I could live someone else's life and leave mine, I'm not happy with me anymore.

So I write because this is how I free myself from the day to day pain and to let that load fall off my shoulders with each word I write.

Can someone help me understand how sentences from lips can break a heart so slowly till there is no heart left or its hard as rocks and there is no more feeling in my soul.

I am empty and devoid of all reason and i am left with only hate and that's what the devil wants and with this struggle i cant give him the victory.

I want God to have the victory in my life i want to cry out you cant win like MJ in The Wiz till my lungs and vocal cords are sore from constant exertion of emotions.

My prayer will be, when i have the strength to say what I want from God, Lord please give me the strength to not care what anyone says about me, to me, around me.

Show me that the only thing that matters is what you think of me and my walk with you and provide me with the guidance to know when to fight for my sanity and when to let go.

I would end that prayer with a Hallelujah and Amen, praise God and thanks again.

I will be OK despite all of my pain and heartache as long as he stays by my side.

Dangerously Beautiful

I just seen a woman that was so beautiful she could promote envy or lust in the most confidant and straight woman.
Not an average beauty, but above all else, with a short hair cut and a walk that will make you do a double take.
I seen her twice and both times I was star struck because surely she must be famous for just her looks along.
This woman with her below average height and well put figure, big brown eyes and caramel skin makes me wish I had worked harder to be beautiful.
Me with my below average looks and badly put figure, green eyes and honey skin could never measure up on a good day.
I just had to tell you because if you see her then my warning will help you get through that encounter.
Lady temptation will bite you in the ass if you don't watch her and I heard street cats lay claim to her and not make it out alive so if you step to her you don't value your life.
Can I hip you to something you may not know? A woman that beautiful can only be trouble and again I just want to issue a waring.
I do fear for your vitals.

Anymore

I don't have the strength to love you anymore.

I have spent 3 years hoping you would look my way but you never have and I give up.

Crazy thing this love is I pictured everything from our wedding day to our children, How they would look like you and me, and you don't even notice me.

When I felt joy in my heart you were on my mind and I couldn't stop thinking about how you make me feel.

Maybe it would have been easier if you were mine and the fantasy wasn't so real or close to me.

Watching you, smelling you, feeling you, wanting you, dreaming of you, loving you, wishing for you, praying for you, needing you, all of the feelings running through me at once.

I think that was my problem I spent so much energy on these feelings for you till I gave all that I had, Now I can't even give to myself

I don't have the strength to love you anymore.

And when I try to let this obsession go because I know it's no good for me I freeze from the hope of thinking maybe one day you will see me.

I really want you to care but I don't even know how to talk to you or what to say to you to convey what I feel, why I feel.

Tired of you looking past me, sad that I haven't caught your eye, stupid because I haven't given up until now.

Three long years of all of these emotions drowning me in an endless sea of sorrow, dealing with it without results.

But now I just don't have the strength to love you anymore.

Day to Day

From day to day I am living my life with nothing to look forward to.

Don't get me wrong I thank God for all that I have but I want more unfortunately.

I want a career that I love and that I can wake up every day and say yea! I get to go to work

I want a friend that doesn't expect anything from me but for me to be myself and love those quirks and the not so good about me.

I want to look forward to each day as a day to say yes! This is me and I am here and my heart is full from people who love me, but I am alone, I have no true friends and I thought that was OK and at first it was but I need to stop looking for approval from people cause people cant make me who I am.

But this is life right? Cause not everyone has friends and not everyone can make it day to day and this is my life and this is my pain and this is what I deal with and I know its sad but bare with me there is more.

I thought no one liked me because of my internal pain because when I walked by everyone could see my scars.

Blaming those who did me wrong before was my way of dealing with my internal demons.

But I was wrong, no one can see my tears on the inside.

No one knows my battles and though I should let the lord take control I cant seem to give him everything.

So I am stuck in this cycle that I have put myself into since I was a child and so I'm here living day to day with no reason to look forward to tomorrow.

I want my life to be in a different place.

I don't want this day to day stuff taking control of me.

I want to be this great person that no one forgets.

I know that I put to much into what people think of me but doesn't everyone.

I mean because you have the money you can change your nose and because you have the money you can hire a cook to make healthy food so that you can look like these thin models that you see on T.V. because you think that's what everyone else wants to see in you.

How do I change my way of thinking when the media and people around me want me to look like them and how can I be proud of me and my accomplishments when I am never encouraged to be me but to be someone else.

So yea, I want to be great because anything less is not excepted.

Feel for me because I am being subdued and someone else's dreams will emerge from my being.

No love for me just love for what they need me to be and this is my life day to day. Can you feel me?

There is no title yet...

They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all...that's a load of crap.

Because after you stop feeling like your heart has been ripped apart by a bear when that love leaves you, you are wishing you didn't love at all.

The love you felt cant even over shadow the pain you feel and after the pain is the emptiness and after the emptiness is resnetment and you cna guess where i am going with this

Love has the power to elicit some of the most prominent emotions from a person and when that love is distroyed those feelings of loss are all thats left.

I have been in this situation before and I wouldnt wish these type of feelings on my worst enemy...


Thats all I have so far. I dont know what else to say because I woke up in the middle of the night and all of the emotions in that poem made me jump out of my sleep. I cant describe what its like to have such feelings of loneliness and know that there is someone right beside you at all times. I know that God is watching me and I know that Jesus has my back but when your emotions come into play logic is no longer involved.

Who says movies cant make you feel?

I went to go see Why Did I Get Married this weekend and it was the best movie that I had seen in a long time. It made me cry, laugh, say " o no he didnt", and say thats what im talkin bout.lol I havent had a movie do that in a long time. It was really worth the money but then again what Tyler Perry movie or play isnt. I did however fall in love with the Troy character played by Lamman Rucker

(which is my new crush by the way). He really stole the show for me along with Jill Scott who I would have never thought of as an actress until i saw her in this role. Overall I would say if you have not seen this movie you must go see it I promise it is worth your $10.

I think he is the love of my life.

Today is a slow day here at work so I have allot of time on my hands right now. I have this friend that has been there since I was 12 but I really don't know what to do about him. I used to be in love with him I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread but I know I'm not where I need to be in my life and I know that he is struggling and everyday I question my real feelings for him. On one hand when I talk to him I remember why I love him. He is funny and laid back and easy to talk to when he doesn't want to argue. On the other hand he has so many issues and he complains allot about his family and the hand he was dealt in life instead of living his life and doing something about it or making changes. I admit I am his friend as well as I am there for him when he needs someone to talk to because he is having such a hard time dealing with things but then sometimes I just want to say "everyone has problems, deal with it, don't complain do something about!" But how can I say that to him when I don't even follow my own advice. I want something different, I want to be better and I want to make a change in my life to do something my parents can be proud of me for. But I don't know where to start. I feel so hopeless sometimes like I cant move from this stand still place that I am in. Its almost like if I die my family will miss me but no one will know who I am. Do I really want people to know me like that though? as someone who never made a difference. What changes could I possibly make that are positive for other people rather than myself. Sometimes I want to be selfish in my dreams but I know that if I was this great person who had all of this money then I would make sure my family and friends are taken care of. But back to this man that I'm not sure if I love or not. He can be a great person. He listens to me when I feel like whining which isn't much. He is there when I am upset and although he has a girl living with him sometimes I get the feeling he would rather have me there. He has never said how he feels for me he always says I'm his homegirl so I guess that's how he feels but then he doesn't talk to me like a homeboy. We have intimate conversations at times and sometimes I get mixed signals from him. I look at it like this though if he doesn't tell me how he feels then I will just leave it at being his homegirl. But if I do that what if we are supposed to have a future together. Am I waisting time waiting for him to come to me and then he finds someone else then what. I don't know what to do. So for now I wont say anything but if it is the case and we are supposed to be together I will be really disappointed that we didn't make that move sooner. But then again everything happens for a reason and maybe it's just not him or the time.